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Thursday, November 11, 2010

The writing on the wall

I was going to start this post along the lines of how the rug was yanked right out from under my feet.

But after a few deep breaths and swipes at the tears that fell uncontrollably, I realised that isn't true in this case. The writing on the wall was there for me to see all along the past one year - there was ample warning. But as with all the things I didn't want to see, acknowledge or face, I buried my head deep in the sand, hoping that what I feared would not materialise.

I've only ever felt this devastated once before in my entire life - when I was young and didn't know better than to give someone my entire heart on a plate and build my entire world around him. You were the one to pick up the pieces when he shattered that world. You had to bear the brunt of my falling apart then - you could have replaced me - I gave you enough reason to - but instead you stood up for me and put yourself out on a limb, risking your own reputation and name to vouch for me, just to give me a chance to redeem myself. And after that and throughout the past few years, you continued to shelter me in the one and only safe haven I've ever had from the storms of my personal life. Nay, you did not just give me shelter, you built me up, like a shipbuilder restoring a broken ship that has found its way into the harbor. A ship that has been built to be tougher and stronger to withstand the unfriendly seas that it has to sail one day again.

Everything I have today, all that I am this day, is because of you. You know that. Everyone knows that. Yet not once ever did you rub that in my face when you were upset with me, or hold that over my head to get your way, or even raise it at all subtly to remind me of the debt I owe to you. Which is why you alone are the person I want to grow into one day, why you are the person I hold as a role model in my life - the only one. It is your character, your kindness, your wisdom, your patience, your intelligence, your very goodness that I aspire towards. I want to be like you, I want people to look at me the way they do with you - with so much awe and respect. You can do no wrong in my eyes - everyone knows that I will follow you to the ends of the earth without question and that your very words are the gospel truth to me.

Thank you for our friendship these years despite the vast differences between us. You had everything and I, nothing. Yet never have you turned your back or refused to make time for me, even for the most trivial matters. Never have you failed to guide me in my thoughts and deeds to be a better person, and never have you failed to turn my head in the right direction. And most importantly, never have you failed to believe in me. You showed me the belief and confidence you had in me, from not just the numerous times you stood up for me at your own expense or fought for me to have all I have and be who I am, but also from each time you gave me the opportunity to succeed and prove myself.

I can't thank you enough for all of that, and for moulding me - my thoughts, my abilities and my character. I am a far better person than I was before I met you. That thank-you card I gave you doesn't even scratch the surface of how I feel. The words "thank you, grateful or really appreciate" seem so pathetically inadequate. In case you didn't already know (which I doubt that you don't) - you alone have my love, loyalty, devotion, respect, admiration and adoration.

So. Just as you have always wanted the best for me, and just as you would have been happy for me if the positions had been reversed, I wish nothing but the very best for you, and for you to be fulfilled and happy. Even if it means that my life will be forever altered. But I am going to hold tight to the belief that you will be safe and happier where you will be. And this belief isn't blind faith. You will be safe and happier because of who you are as a person. I will never forget you and the memories of all the times we shared together - all the countries we have been, the good times, the tough times (there were no bad times)- these will always be amongst my most treasured memories. Once again, thank you for so richly blessing my life the past few years, and for the gifts that neither time nor man can erase or take away. When I set sail, I will do you, my shipbuilder, proud. And one day, if given the opportunity, I will make a safe haven for a battered ship to take refuge in and rebuild that ship the way you did for me. That is how I will honor you and all you have done for me and in my life.

However for now, please forgive me for not being able to hold my tears in check. It is just that as I have said to you, I will miss you so much and it is pure anguish losing you. Only the thought that our parting of ways is not because of life's misfortunes but for you to find what you are seeking is what comforts me.