Daisypath Anniversary tickers

Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Good days v bad days

Yesterday I had an exceptionally good day - high energy level and no puking from 11am till 5pm

I thought that finally God had reached down and saved me from my misery, that I was finally released from the nightmare I'd been in the past weeks. I was so ready to go back to work, conquer the world, get my life back.

We even had a great dinner of black pepper crabs. And that's when shortly after, things slid downhill. I puked some of the dinner on the way home. And then more when we got back. I remember being wiped out when we got home. A 2 hours trip out = exhaustion.

Then this morning, I woke up with a rolling feeling in my stomach after I had taken a sip of the lemon water by my bedside. I knew it was going to be a bad day so I quickly popped one Zofran, yesterday I hadn't had any. I ate some crackers and a slice of bread to fill my stomach too without much fluids to see if I would be better.

No such luck - I threw up in the car one hour later, and again. Lots of sour stomach fluid and I felt dizzy. Had my CEB buy an isotonic drink to help balance the electrolytes.

Didn't feel so dizzy after but the drink made my stomach churn even more with the fizz - a warm gurgling that made me feel like puking even more.

So I did - twice before lunch and after lunch when I finally made it home where my sweet husband had vacuumed and some sort of mopped, I went to hug the toilet bowl (not him who said I smelled bad - of stale vomit I suppose - sitting in the car with a bag of puke next to me did that). No point getting up since I was going to puke more than once.

After that I continued to vomit 5 more times in that one hour - most if not all of lunch.

I don't know what to do anymore. Sea bands don't help, rooibos tea or sour plums don't either. And I can't stand ginger. Peppermint tea I am trying now (update: it doesn't help) but I can't believe that one of the strongest med for chemo, Zofran, isn't helping.

Neither is praying. I prayed for strength at church and to be saved from this morning sickness but I guess it's one of those times God says No. I tried not to vomit after service having received God but well, unless He was digested within a snap, I don't really know.

I feel I'm dying. I'm so exhausted after just a bit of walking, dizzy if I stand too long (ten minutes?), nauseated if I don't eat, having to puke if I eat. And I can't eat like I used to in terms of quantity. A mouthful too much more and everything rises up to my throat and its splat a roo. Eating expensive stuff is a pure waste since I can't keep the food, or much of the food down.

So now, my clothes are loose - I'm supposed to be gaining weight not losing, esp with twins but my body has decided to wage war against me. It's as I said, like my body is telling me "payback for neglecting me time!" Ok I don't slather myself in body cream every night or go to spas much, but that doesn't mean I need to be put through the grind like this.

I see the doctor again this week and the next week. I'm glad (though the bank account isn't), that visits are at least every 2 weeks - if something has gone wrong, I don't want to be suffering needlessly for longer than necessary. As I said to my CEB, I can't think beyond me me me and just me after all the physical hoops my body is making me jump through. As much as I love my CEB, love God's gifts to us which are the size of limes this week (how fast they grow), I cannot feel or think, much less do anything for my husband or the twins. When the body comes under serious attack, I guess the body and mind prioritizes on sustaining the primary organism first.

The only thing carrying me through this right now is my faith. God will not bring me to anything He won't carry me through, as I said before. That's what I keep telling myself, between the rounds of puking.

All 15 rounds of actual projectile vomiting today between 10am to 8pm. I have a fever too - from the vomiting I suppose. It has been a really awful day - one of the worst. Can't get the taste of vomit out of my mouth and I can smell the stink of my breath. Took another Zofran tonight. It's going to be hell to pay I know for my other end but this is so very bad I need the relief like NOW, or rather yesterday already.

And the latest hypothetical question I have (as if I could choose but well it's fun to delude myself) - would I have alternate bad days (like today) and good days (like yesterday with less than 5 pukes) or just average days (5-10 pukes and dry retching)?

You go figure. And by the way, dry retching feels like the food in your stomach is squeezed into a solid fist which is then punched upwards from your gut to the middle of your chest. The pain radiates to the rib cage and nothing comes out of your mouth so like a piston, the fist, the knot punches again and again till you can hardly breathe and are doubled over. Sweet.

No comments: