Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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Friday, May 17, 2013

Hanging on

Barely. Have been vomiting every single day since 1 week back and for the past 3 days back, explosive vomiting in the morning. That used to be just once a day and in the evening mostly.

I am waking up later and later too although I sleep about the same time. And I need to lie down in the afternoon after the least bit of exertion - like opening letters. It's not funny. I'm feeling so damn sick and weak that going out is a major accomplishment in itself, and so is washing my hair which I haven't done in days. 

The maid is still not here but will be soon enough so this is the last weekend on our own. I deliver next week. I'm really terrified of going under the knife - telling me so many have done it is zero consolation - I still have to face the pain and recovery. A mother would do anything for their child right! Including losing her life so as the twins mother, I must do whatever it takes to deliver them safe and sound. I would be happy to lose my life for them but I had envisioned that to be painless, not this gutting open, being sewn and stapled back together again across my middle.

The twins have been stepping up on the activity level esp Twin A who is heavy enough to go bump bump at my crotch area and when she presses on my bladder, the pain is just intense and sharp and sleepy as I am, I have to roll myself up and get to the toilet. I don't know what else she is rolling on but I have a tremendous amount of gas these days too and the need to move my bowels more than once a day. She is lying so low that when I curl up on my right side to sleep (not the left anymore cos Twin B's legs are there and she kicks me hard repeatedly until I get off lying on my left side), I feel Twin A moving against my thigh. If the ultrasound is accurate, she is a full sized baby indeed.

Twin B, my baby Pouncy has been worrying me of late as she is less active than before, than her sister. She doesn't squirm as much as before but remains a morning and evening creature when she is most active and disturbs me by either poking at me from the inside with her hard little elbow or fist or shoulder or sticking out her little head as far as my skin will allow. After caressing her little head gently and talking to her, the little one will then relax and sink into the recesses of my belly. The only thing is that she is so far up my belly just under my breasts that I have difficulty breathing and my ribs hurt so bad as she is pressing up on them, having run out of space. 

The red stretch marks all over my belly are horrific and depressing. I have tried not to think how I am going to look with a deflated balloon of a stomach and all these marks. It is too depressing to even go there. And forget maternity shots - I feel and look so terrible daily that I don't have energy to go there. In bed all day except to eat(which I wouldn't bother if not for the twins), and to conserve whatever energy I have to do the bare basics / necessities.

I guess I am blogging more than ever because after their arrival, I doubt I will have time to write. Recovery, latching, breast pumping, feeding, changing diapers, patting to sleep...this is IT. The new chapter. 

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