I finally got to watch the whole movie after buying the DVD eons ago. The book was widely popular in the bookstores then, and the movie came out shortly after but I hadn't made an effort to get either. Until my beloved ex-boss told me that she thought of me when she was reading the book, and recommended that I read it too.
So because my CEB wasn’t home early last night, I took the opportunity to pop the DVD in the player and catch the movie on my own. (My CEB hates this sort of movies). Briefly, JR’s character leaves her first marriage, a husband who loves her, to find herself. She then gets together with an aspiring actor, with whom she was wildly infatuated with, and then desperately and unhappily out of love. She goes to Italy to find herself, to do nothing but enjoy life. And then to India for spirituality and finally to Bali where she finds love again.
And I could relate to each of her relationships. Probably that is why my beloved ex-boss who knows me so well, thought of me when she read the book.
There is a scene where JR’s character said “The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving” as she realized the extent of her discontent and unhappiness with her husband and her marriage. Despite all the wonderful memories that they had, and the home they created together. And despite how much the husband still loved her as was evident when he refused to sign the divorce papers “I’ll wait for you…all I want is you”.
It reminded me of how I felt when I left men who had loved me– a combination of feeling just awful and guilty but still saying goodbye. Not to be true to myself, not to find myself, not just because I didn’t love them anymore, but because staying another day was unbearable and no matter how hard I tried and looked, I couldn’t see a future with them. The idea of waking up, coming home to, sleeping with them every single day and night of the rest of my life had become so abhorrent that I felt physically ill, mentally broken, spiritually desolate.
But like JR’s character, I need time to forgive myself. I doubt they have fully forgiven me either. Or rather, I know they have not forgiven or forgotten me. Esp the one whom I doubted loved me. It breaks my heart now to realize that all I do for my CEB out of love now, is what he had done for me all the time. And which I had thought as calculated acts to win my heart. Only now do I realize how very much effort he made, and how very much he had loved and cherished me. Something I could not ever reciprocate.
And if you asked me now, even without my CEB, what would I do with this realization, my answer would still be the same – I could never go back to a ruined relationship. You only cut your fingers picking up the broken pieces.
So, I want to end this post with a quote from the movie. "To have broken heart means you have tried for something.” I hope this comforts you as it had comforted me in some strange way.
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