Revival of the blog

As my long-time readers would know, the death of my best friend at theslugreviews.blogspot.com took the sail out of my winds totally and I could no longer find the heart to continue with this blog or to write in any blogs for that matter. 

And as all parents would agree, with young children, the days are long but the years are short.

When I stopped writing in 2016, my kiddos who shall hereinafter be known as B1 and B2 were three and in Nursery One. When I write this today, B1 and B2 are nine, and have completed Primary Three in a local school. Nursery One, Nursery Two, Kindy One, Kindy Two, Primary One, Primary Two and Primary Three, all done and dusted.

When I stopped writing in 2016, there wasn't Covid19 or any hint of the pandemic that would upend our way of life and introduce words and measures that we had never heard of (think circuit breaker, vaccination, home-based learning (HBL), vaccination differentiated measures, safe-entry, trace-together token, vaccinated-travel lane, vaccination certificate).  I never thought I would see our supermarket shelves emptied, stripped of meat and vegetables, or see long queues and machines for hand sanitizer and government issued masks.  However, when I write this now, sunny Singapore like most of the rest of the world has opened up and are at the tail end of the pandemic with masks being optional indoors and outdoors, and travelling is back with a vengeance.

When I stopped writing in 2016, I never thought I would start writing a blog again. What with all those great many experiences (food, travel, music, books, parenting) between 2016 to 2022 not being put to keyboard and the web. What with the current job that I have that demands more from me than the previous job. What with B1 and B2 approaching the dreaded PSLE in a matter of three years. And what with the changes that will come our way next year when we have already settled into a comfortable groove. 

 Then as we were spring cleaning for what 2023 would bring academically, B2 said laughingly that she and B1 had done so many assessment books that they could tell parents and other kids what books worked and what didn't. I thought it was a good idea too since B1 and B2 had the grades/certs to lend credence to their claims and reviews of books and enrichment classes. 

And this long-forgotten blog seemed as good a place as any to begin. It holds memories, and it can certainly contain to hold more, even if the memories are to be of what most Singapore kids would grown at the sight of - assessment books!

So, here we go and I hope our reviews of all things under the sun prove to be helpful in one way or the other to readers. 

The old man & his shoe

So, while researching on the web, I came across this story which I thought was well worth remembering:

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One day an old man boarded a bus. As he was going up the steps, one of his shoes slipped off. The door closed and the bus moved off so he was unable to retrieve it. The old man calmly took off his other shoe and threw it out of the window.

A young man on the bus saw what happened, and could not help going up to the old man and asking, "I noticed what you did, sir. Why did you throw out your other shoe?"

The old man promptly replied, "So that whoever finds them will be able to use them."

The old man in the story understood a fundamental philosophy for life - do not hold on to something simply for the sake of possessing it or because you do not wish others to have it.

We lose things all the time. The loss may seem to us grievous and unjust initially, but loss only happens so that positive changes can occur in our lives. We should not always assume that losing something is bad, because if things do not shift, we'll never become better people or experience better things. That's not to say of course that we only lose "bad" things; it simply means that in order for us to mature emotionally and spiritually, and for us to contribute to the world, the interchange between loss and gain is necessary.

Like the old man in the story, we have to learn to let go. The world had decided that it was time for the old man to lose his shoe. Maybe this happened to add momentum to a series of events leading to a better pair of shoes for the old man. Maybe the search for another pair of shoes would lead the old man to a great benefactor. Maybe the world decided that someone else needed the shoes more.

Whatever the reason, we can't avoid losing things. The old man understood this. One of his shoes had gone out of his reach. The remaining shoe would not have been much help to him, but it would be a cherished gift to a homeless person desperately in need of protection from the ground.

Hoarding possessions does nothing to make us or the world better. We all have to decide constantly if some things or people have run their course in our lives or would be better off with others. We then have to muster the courage to give them away.

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Food.

Food is all those substances which, submitted to the action of the stomach, can be assimilated or changed into life by digestion, and can thus repair the losses which the human body suffers through the act of living.

The Physiology of Taste, Billat-Savarin.

Mad World

Finally the GAC 2011 is over and I am done with the presentations and sumptuous meals. As well as riding around in armored bullet-proof vehicles and being surrounded by security wherever we go. I wanted to go to church this morning, the only church in this city that has gregorian chants but I was strongly discouraged to by the security folks. 

So here I am in this luxurious downtown hotel waiting for checkout before I go to the airport to meet my CEB who is coming in for our honeymoon. Coming here has been an experience in itself. I've never felt so caged before. No shopping, no church even...and sitting inside the armored vehicle and having 1 big tough security guy climb in and ensure the windows were bullet proof...what can I say. I'm so glad I live in Singapore. I'm so grateful to LKY and the present government we have for making Singapore safe. Safety so many of us have taken forgranted but so many here do not have. Car jacking, 1 of the world's highest homicide rates, a city of more than 39million which means it is easy to disappear, the favelas (slums), the horrific traffic jams, the astronomical cost of living...I can't thank God enough for just the simple fortune of being born in Singapore at the time I was. 

 It's a Mad World we live in...and talking about Mad World, while cooped up in the hotel room last night with only the TV to accompany me, I watched the Glee Project and they had this song which is so hauntingly sad, so disturbingly true. Mad World, yes it is.

46 and going strong

Happy 46th National Day, Singapore!



I'm in a foreign land working on what is a public holiday in Singapore. A public holiday to celebrate the day Singapore declared itself as an independent nation, a different country from this very same foreign land I am in.

And being here makes me so proud to be Singaporean, and so grateful to all the people who brought Singapore to where we are today. Long Live Singapore!

Eat Pray Love (2010) Movie

I finally got to watch the whole movie after buying the DVD eons ago. The book was widely popular in the bookstores then, and the movie came out shortly after but I hadn't made an effort to get either. Until my beloved ex-boss told me that she thought of me when she was reading the book, and recommended that I read it too.

So because my CEB wasn’t home early last night, I took the opportunity to pop the DVD in the player and catch the movie on my own. (My CEB hates this sort of movies). Briefly, JR’s character leaves her first marriage, a husband who loves her, to find herself. She then gets together with an aspiring actor, with whom she was wildly infatuated with, and then desperately and unhappily out of love. She goes to Italy to find herself, to do nothing but enjoy life. And then to India for spirituality and finally to Bali where she finds love again.

And I could relate to each of her relationships. Probably that is why my beloved ex-boss who knows me so well, thought of me when she read the book.

There is a scene where JR’s character said “The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving” as she realized the extent of her discontent and unhappiness with her husband and her marriage. Despite all the wonderful memories that they had, and the home they created together. And despite how much the husband still loved her as was evident when he refused to sign the divorce papers “I’ll wait for you…all I want is you”.

It reminded me of how I felt when I left men who had loved me– a combination of feeling just awful and guilty but still saying goodbye. Not to be true to myself, not to find myself, not just because I didn’t love them anymore, but because staying another day was unbearable and no matter how hard I tried and looked, I couldn’t see a future with them. The idea of waking up, coming home to, sleeping with them every single day and night of the rest of my life had become so abhorrent that I felt physically ill, mentally broken, spiritually desolate.

But like JR’s character, I need time to forgive myself. I doubt they have fully forgiven me either. Or rather, I know they have not forgiven or forgotten me. Esp the one whom I doubted loved me. It breaks my heart now to realize that all I do for my CEB out of love now, is what he had done for me all the time. And which I had thought as calculated acts to win my heart. Only now do I realize how very much effort he made, and how very much he had loved and cherished me. Something I could not ever reciprocate.

And if you asked me now, even without my CEB, what would I do with this realization, my answer would still be the same – I could never go back to a ruined relationship. You only cut your fingers picking up the broken pieces.

So, I want to end this post with a quote from the movie. "To have broken heart means you have tried for something.” I hope this comforts you as it had comforted me in some strange way.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) Movie

The Slog Reviews: 3/10. It was that bad. The only good bits were what was in the trailer and nothing more. I didn't expect the ending though - that Capt A would only wake up 70 years later. Pretty sure there will be a sequel, and I've a hunch his love interest would somehow be "immortalized" as well.

The only thing in the movie that triggered some thoughts was the scene where Capt A was tested as a recruit - his superior threw a "grenade" among the squad members and Capt A was the only one who didn't duck/run for cover. Instead, he hugged the grenade to his chest and shouted for his team mates to take cover. That's courage, and as the bible goes, the man who is prepared to lay down/lose his life for his fellow men will be the one who has eternal life.

It also reminded me of some msn link that I'd read about a man who died of cancer recently and left letters to his two young children, asking them to have these 3 values which he believes will carry them far.

1) Integrity - Do what you say you will do. Don't lie - especially to yourself.

2) Moral Courage - Do what is right, even if you are hated/persecuted/octracised.

3) Loyalty - Be devoted, be faithful.

Soul Surfer (2011) Movie

This movie was the first I watched on board the 10hr+ flight to Joburg. Unlike the previous trip to US (click here), I didn't enjoy the trip on SQ despite it being on biz class as well. Firstly, the biz class lounge at T2 was far more crowded and far less luxurious than the one at T3. Secondly, the seats of the aircraft were not the pale plushy ones but the dark blue ones which were not as comfortable. (The food was good though - the beef in the beef noodles was surprisingly tender.) However, I enjoyed Soul Surfer- its title is telling - this inspirational story (based on a true story) is about the courage and will of an individual to, with faith in God and in herself, rise above a crippling accident and embrace life. I think I have never choked up so many times or teared during a movie. I would rate the movie 10/10 easily and encourage anyone who has lost perspective, motivation, purpose and courage in life to take a couple of hours and watch Soul Surfer. Imagine a surfer, an athlete losing her left arm in a shark attack, the stump too short to attach a prosthetic arm. I'm not an athlete, and am guessing that you too do not depend on the condition of your body for a living. Yet neither of us would ever want to lose a limb. Imagine then what losing an arm means to an athlete whose field involves the use of all 4 limbs. And yet Bethany went back to surfing 1 month from the accident and competed competitively within a year. 

Because she had Faith, Perspective and Will. With these 3, as what she says "I don't need easy, I just need possible." Although in moments of utter frustration (of having 1 arm) she asked why God would allow this to happen to her, she never stopped believing in God, that God had plans for her and that something good would come out of the accident. This same faith led her to participate in a mission trip to Thailand after the tsunami and this trip was the turning point for her. She realised she had lost an arm but she had more than these pp had - they had lost loved ones, some, their entire families, and their home and possessions. And that was when she decided to embrace life to the fullest despite her own loss - and it wasn't just a decision - she devoted hours to training and conditioning her body so she would be in the best possible form to compete. 

 Indeed in life, often what we think is our greatest loss or defeat is just an opportunity for God to give us more, give us better. And what differentiates a winner from a loser is nothing more than having the will and determination to hang in there, or rather, get back up when knocked down. Since I am in Africa, I will end with a fitting quote from the movie Invictus where Nelson Mandela says "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul".

Silver Kris Lounge at T3 and Biz Class on SQ to LA

This is the first time I've been to the Silver Kris Lounge at Terminal 3.

And the variety and quality of food and drinks there was simply amazing. It made me regret that we just had a really expensive "Parents meet Parents with Matchmaker" lunch at Crystal Jade just before my flight out to LA.

Nonetheless, because I had nothing to do for the 1hr before flying out, I got myself a diet coke, some cha soba and other light desserts to enjoy while soaking in the ambiance and reflecting (on my life as usual).

Well, because I had indicated my default seat preference as an aisle seat, I ended up seated next to an elderly gentleman instead of having my own individual seat by the window. Hence, all the photos I took this flight were with my trusty Sony Ericsson W995 phone instead of a camera.

Now, there is a vast difference between flying business class and economy - and I mean, vast. The last time I flew economy on SQ was to Melbourne the first week of Feb this year so comparing the 2 was easy - to start with, not only the seats and entertainment screen 2 times wider and more plushy (very much like the GV Cinema Gold Class seats), even the hand-sets below are different - this one shows the flight time left to the destination, and even how far one is into a movie.

About 2 hours into the flight, it was dinnertime and we were served local satay for starters.

Followed by shrimp salad which I washed down with pineapple juice. I thought the satay and salad were both amazingly tasty for airplane food.

But they were nothing compared to the main course - I had the cod fish with lobster bits in creamy sauce and asparagus. And, it was so absolutely tender, fresh, creamy and delicious that I was ready to die happy after experiencing this culinary pleasure. I kid you not.

But of course I didn't die. I had two (yeah, I shameless asked for another) bowls of Haagan Dazz ice-cream which came with nuts and some sort of a sweet biscuit-like wafer thing. After that, on a full stomach and completely satiated, I watched movies and went to bed (the chair folds down into a full length bed).

In the morning (because of the time-difference this was supposed to be our lunch), we were once again plied with food of the Gods. Like this starter for example - huge succulent scallops with cold streaked bacon.

I had beef as the main course and you know, given how more than 10 hours had passed since we took off, I was totally amazed by how soft and tender the meat was instead of cold and hard. SQ's business class food is truly superb.

I ended my meal with some lime cheesecake but that was really like eating solidified sweetened fats so I didn't eat too much of that. There was quite a wide variety of drinks available throughout the entire flight as well as light snacks like Lays potato chips, small packets of Amos chocolate chip biscuits, and even fish porridge if one wanted something more substantial.

You know, in 1 of my first few posts this year 2011, (click here to read), I did say that my job change would mean a change in the life that I have always known. And indeed it has given me opportunities and experiences that I otherwise would never have had - from going to Melbourne in February and then to the Midwest and New York in March. Because I am a firm believer that tomorrow is never a given right, I am just grateful to have the chance to enjoy each good thing that comes my way, including the chance to fly biz class on SQ non-stop to LA and non-stop back from New York.

Double Bay Australian Dining & Bar

Just like nothing beats a piping hot chocolate drink on a cold rainy day, nothing warms the soul more than a friend who takes the effort to show care and concern. As you may guess from the pic below, I had both today.

I'd been shivering and miserable the entire morning in the office because of the weather and my doubts about well, certain decisions and people. A friend of mine decided to relieve me of both by taking me out for lunch to a restaurant I'd never been before - Double Bay. He said a change of scenary would cheer me up and so we sat outside in the non-smoking alfresco dining area with a full view of Raffles Hotel's majestic architecture, sipping hot chocolate, talking and watching the world (rain and people) go by. The Slog Reviews: 9/10 for the hot chocolate - it was really warm, sweet and frothy. And bitter at the end bits which is a sign apparently, of a good quality chocolate drink. Best antidote for a rainy day.

Because Australia is famous for its pies, we decided to order the first pie on the pie list (I forgot the name) which was big enough for 2 pp to split. The Slog Reviews: 6/10. Would not recommend this pie to those who do not like vegetables or fish. The fish baked in the pie - sea bass - tasted very fresh but very fishy - and I have to say the chunks of fish were far from plentiful, making this pie a very over priced item indeed (it was more than 20 bucks I recall).

In any case, if I don't go back to Double Bay for its food any time soon, I'll certainly remember it as the place where I was struck by my friend's willing expenditure of his precious time, money and brain cells just to make me a rainy lousy day just that bit less gloomy for me. He impresses me - what good is all this talk about caring, or even loving if there is no effort shown indeed? And worse, what is the point of sweet words when one directs/uses one's effort and time to do things that do not build the relationship that one claims matters?

So, if you want to be where I was when I had all these mind-numbing relevations or just want some pick me up hot chocolate, you need to make your way to 252 North Bridge Road #01-22A Raffles City Shopping Centre. The telephone number is 65-6334 6530

2010 - Travel for the year in pictures

Unlike 2009 where I was flying constantly for work, there was absolutely no work-related travel in 2010. So with the support of my boss without whom all this would not be possible, I had my own little escapes out of the country with family, friends and my CEB. The photos are in the hundreds per trip so I decided to pick 1 of the ones that I like best for each trip. 

 

1 Dec 2009 to 4 January 2010 (Kota Kinabalu) - Tunku Abdul Rahman Marine Park (The marine park is an experience not to be missed indeed if one goes to KK. And so is feasting on seafood at Sedco Square - this trip was memorable because of the New Year fireworks at Jesselton Square, and the fishing competition I almost won. Not too shabby a start for 2010)

16 to 17 January 2010 (Ho Chi Minh) - Greyhound racing track @ Vung Tau ( Again, an experience that should not be missed, esp if one loves punting. This trip was slightly different from the norm F&E trips because I was with 1 of my closest friends, The Slug, whose family (well half of) resides in Vietnam - From Hyatt to Hovel indeed! Thank u!) 5 to 8 February 2010 (Langkawi) - 1st grouper on lure @ Datai Bay (After the numerous fishless sessions with my fishing shifu, I finally caught my first fish on lure, this grouper is the 2nd/3rd fish caught on lure but at least I broke the fishing curse! I also fell in love with the island of Langkawi after this trip which was probably 1 of the best ones I had - renting a car, feasting on fish that we had caught from the ocean, perfecting my casting skills (lures), being amazed by the beauty of the Andaman Sea from the sky cable car) 6 to 7 March 2010 (Kuching) - Cat Museum (This trip was 1 of the worst - it sucked eggs so big time and probably marked the beginning of the end of whatever that might have been with this travel companion. What was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway turned out to be a nightmare from the moment we landed. "Men" who shout and sulk ought to be shot.)

27 t0 30 May 2010 (Bali) - Family @ Besakih Temple

(This was the first holiday where I was running a fever all of the trip and also lost my voice. Which was terrible because it was one of the few F&E family trips (my mum tends to favor the package tours) and one which I had pre-booked...nothing. This trip didnt turn out too badly though because my little sister stepped up and made sure all went well with all the day tours I booked the moment we landed (b4 I lost my voice). Packed everything worth seeing in this trip - dinner at Jimbaran Bay, Tanah Lot, Kintamani volcano, Fire Dance etc)

2 to 7 July 2010 (Shenzhen and Hongkong) - Hyatt Hotel @ ShaTin

If you asked my CEB which hotel room is his favourite after all the hotels we've stayed, he would swear it is this one - me thinks it is because of the memories we have here.)

5 to 10 August 2010 (Cambodia) -Family @ Angkor Wat

(This was a great F&E trip where with the help of the great hotel we stayed in - The Kool Hotel - we went on customised day trips to all the sights (many temples!) worth seeing. We also went to the museum and shook those fortune telling sticks. My sis's lot was the best (not just literally) but mine was pretty decent too. It was a fantastic family bonding trip with lots of beautiful pictures and memories - I miss the amok fish from The Kool Hotel now!)

21 to 23 August 2010 (Ho Chi Minh) - My birthday @ New York Steakhouse (Another holiday when I was sick! And so was my poor CEB whom I must have passed my cough to. We both were so sick the first and second nights that we couldn't enjoy the fab hotel I'd booked to celebrate my birthday in - Majestic Hotel. I broke a glass in the toilet the first night in my fevered haze and despite me wanting to keep my CEB out, he insisted on helping me clear the mess. And he was the one who got up to boil some drinks for two of us sick pp. :P By the third day we were better and had overpriced steak followed by his lucky streak at the hotel's casino where he won $ with my $.)

8 to 12 September 2010 (Australia) - Family rafting down Barron River @ Cairns

(This was the yearly "big" trip for the family. In 2008 we did USA (the Grand Canyon), in 2009, Central Europe and UK and in 2010, I decided that I had to see the Great Barrier Reef and so off we went to sunny Cairns. We went to the Kuranda Rainforest which was truely majestic, snorkelling over the Great Barrier Reef and then white water rafting as a family. We also did loads of shopping for macademia nuts and gifts for the folks back home - and Cairns Central is where my current sleeping companion hails from - my nua nua buaya toy!)

2 to 3 October 2010 (KL) - Weekend escape @ Sheraton Imperial Hotel's clubroom (This trip was the 1 where my tiger airways flight was cancelled the night b4 and I flew silkair instead in the morning bcos the room and my CEB's coach ride up were already paid for. My CEB booked Jogoya for Sun lunch and I outate him at what must be 1 of the largest buffet spreads in KL. Hah. We were upgraded to a clubroom at the hotel which mean a really lovely and spacious hotel room which we both thoroughly enjoyed. That's my CEB taking a photo of us in the room's mirror and though it is erm, slanted and all, I like this pic because it shows the level of casual comfort we have reached by our 3rd month as a couple.)

15 to 18 October 2010 (Phuket) - His Birthday @ Maya Beach

(There was a jetstar promotion in July and since the price was right (SGD70 for a return ticket per pax), we spent his birthday in Phuket. We rented a car and spent some time at Patong Beach where we stayed at Millenium Hotel. On the day of his birthday, we booked a day trip to Maya Beach and Khai Noi. The weather was perfect that day when the day b4 it was raining non-stop. We did some shopping arnd the hotel, followed by a day of beach-hopping where we drove to Karon Beach, Kata Beach, Mai Khao etc. We also visited the Great Buddha statue at Chalong Bay and the Promthep Cape which was where the motorcycle accident happened. Waiting for the ambulance, directing traffic down the bend in the rain, gg to the police station - an unforgettable experience that we shared as a couple.)

27 to 31 October 2010 (Bangkok) - The 12th barra on lure @ Boon Mar Lake

(A "mother-daughter" time trip where mum and I enjoyed not just some pampering moments together - spa, facial, shopping, eating - but also where I brought mum fishing! Like the year before when I brought her to BSR, she had a swell time breathing in the country air, taking in the sights so different from that in Singapore, and taking photos of me and the catch.)

3 to 8 November 2010 (Penang & Langkawi) - Kek Lok Si Temple @ Penang

(I've never been to Penang before - 1 of the few states in Msia that I haven't visted - and managed to persuade my CEB to go along with me although he had been there b4. The first time where we both were told there were no rooms at the hotel despite our reservation. We stayed in Cheong Fatt Sze Mansion instead which I enjoyed but not my CEB. My friend from Penang met us there and was kind enough to drive us around. And not only that, she introduced us to the best salt-baked prawns and crabs we ever had. We also gorged on Penang Laksa and chendol as well as visited the famous Kek Lok Si Temple.)

3 to 8 November 2010 (Penang & Langkawi) - Eagle Square @ Langkawi (The idea was to go to just Penang but my CEB had seen a pic of Dataran Lang on the back of a bus and he suggested going to Langkawi for a couple of days which turned out to be the best travel idea he had- we stayed at The Datai - 1 of the best (and most exp) hotels there andwe also rented a car to drive around - we ended up at the largest man-made waterfall, eating power laksa at the roadside, waking up early to stroll along Pantai Cenang, dining at The Loaf and taking the Langkawi Cable Car ride. We even went to Eagle Sq per the pic below which was afterall, the inspiration for us being here)

And so that was all the flight-related travel I had for 2010 - many short and enjoyable trips to countries not too far away. What a difference from 2009 where we went on a 18 day tour of Europe and UK and 2008 where we spent 14 days at USA's West Coast. I wonder what sorta travel 2011 will bring!

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples by Nathan Cobb, Ph.D

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples by Nathan Cobb, Ph.D

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #1: NO DEGRADING LANGUAGE
Avoid name-calling, insults, put-downs or swearing. Putting your partner down or criticizing your partner’s character shows disrespect for his or her dignity. In sports there are many rules that prevent one player from intentionally injuring another. In marriage and relationships, similar rules must apply. When you intentionally injure your partner, it’s like saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself or to win.”

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #2: NO BLAMING
It’s pointless to blame each other. Blaming your spouse distracts you from solving the problem at hand. It invites your spouse to be defensive and it escalates the argument.For example, if you leave a visa bill lying on the table for your spouse to see, and the bill later goes missing, you might be tempted to blame each other. You might insist that your spouse is disorganized, must have picked it up and put it somewhere else. Your spouse, in turn, might accuse you of being absent-minded and insist that you just don't remember where you put it. But blaming each other will not accomplish anything. It won't help either of you feel any better. It won't strengthen your relationship at all. And it won't help you find the bill.
In situations like this, make a conscious decision that your relationship is too important to undermine it with blame and judgment. Focus on keeping your goodwill for each other intact and finding solutions to the problem instead of blaming.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #3: NO YELLING
Yelling only escalates things. Chances are nothing will get resolved when your emotions are running so high. If you’re mad and feel like yelling, then it’s time to step away and cool down (see rule #8).Keep in mind that yelling can be subjective. What is yelling to your spouse may not be yelling to you. Perhaps you are not tuned in to how you sound. Or you may have grown up in a home where family members were loud and passionate, and talking loud when you are upset seems normal.Your spouse's experience is the one that counts here, however. If it feels like yelling to your spouse, then you are at least raising your voice, if not yelling. Make a conscious effort to lower your voice. The meaning of your communication lies in how your message is actually landing with others. If you can’t tone it down because you are too upset, then it is probably best to take a time-out.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #4: NO USE OF FORCE
Using physical force or threatening to use force (i.e. a raised fist or a verbal threat) in any way is unacceptable. Develop the self-discipline to set limits on your anger and your behavior before you reach this level. If either of you resort to physical force and violence in your relationship, seek professional help.Use of force includes pushing, shoving, grabbing, hitting, punching, slapping or restraining. It includes punching a hole in a wall, throwing things or breaking something in anger. Acting out your anger in these ways violates the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Each of us has a right to be safe and free of abuse or physical danger in our relationships.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #5: NO TALK OF DIVORCE
In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #6: DEFINE YOURSELF, NOT YOUR SPOUSE
This rule is about being the expert of your own world, not your spouse’s world. Use words that describe how you feel, and what you want and need, not what your partner feels, wants, or believes. It may seem easier to analyze your partner than to analyze yourself, but interpreting your partner’s thoughts, feelings and motives will distract you from identifying your own underlying issues, and will likely invite defensiveness from your spouse. More importantly, telling your spouse what he or she thinks or believes or wants is controlling and presumptuous. It is saying that you know your spouse’s inner world better than your spouse does.
Instead, work on identifying your own unmet needs, feelings, and ways of thinking and describe these needs and feelings to your spouse.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #6: STAY IN THE PRESENT
Stay in the present and resist the temptation to use the situation as an occasion to bring up other issues from the past. It’s discouraging to keep bringing up the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change today. You can look forward to a better future. Try to keep your focus on what can be done today to resolve the issue at hand and go forward from there. If you get off-topic, on to other issues, stop yourselves and agree to get back on track. You can always come back to other issues later.If you do find yourself bringing up issues from the past it is likely because those issues were never resolved in the first place. Things may have happened that you and your spouse never really talked about. Or you may have tried to talk about it in the past but without fighting fair. This rule will be easier to follow, going forward, if you both make a commitment to discuss issues as they happen rather than letting them fester.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #7: TAKE TURNS SPEAKING
Let one person speak at a time. When one speaks, the other should be listening—really listening, not just planning their rebuttal. Take turns speaking and listening so that you both have a chance to say what you need. This goes back to the rules we were taught as kids about respectful playground behavior. Have you ever tried to work through a difficult issue when your spouse was talking over top of you and interrupting you? How did you feel? Consciously remind yourself about this when you feel an overwhelming urge to interrupt or speak your mind.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #8: WHEN NECESSARY, USE TIME-OUTS
Violating these fair fighting rules is typically a sign that you have already crossed a threshold physiologically, in which signals from the more primitive, emotional centers of your brain have begun to drown out the signals from the more rational parts of your brain. Stress hormones flood your body at this stage. Self-preservation becomes the focus. In this fight-or-flight state, creative problem-solving and mutual cooperation are unlikely. You end up in an escalating argument that becomes more and more hostile and defensive. In fact, it is impossible to have a rational discussion in a climate of hostility and disrespect. This is when its time for rule #8: call a time-out. A time-out is a short break to cool off, calm down and get perspective. Think of it like pushing the pause button on a video. It’s an opportunity to restore calm and be more reflective instead of reactive. Use the time-out to reflect on why you feel the way you do. Think about how to express yourself in a positive way. Try to think about the other person’s feelings and point of view. Think things through before you speak. Then “push play” again and return to each other to resolve the issues calmly.A time-out should be at least a half-hour long (but no longer than twenty-four hours). It takes at least a half-hour for your body’s physiology to return to a normal resting state and for your thoughts to become less hostile or defensive. It’s surprising how different a person’s outlook can be after they’ve had a chance to calm down.

Effective Communication

At our company's cocktail event last week, we had a workshop on effective communication. It was one of the better workshops that I've attended and so I thought I'll write it down the tips I'd jotted down. Toolbox for making great connections 1) Eye Contact 2) Body Language 3) Words (Finding things in common) 4) Intonation/Enounciation 5) Style (Delivery - informal/informal) 6) First impresions (Looks, Status, Dressing, Voice, Handshake, Smile, Manners, Presentation of oneself) What makes a great communicator great 1) Clarity (Organised Thoughts) 2) Good Tone 3) Ability to articulate 4) Knowledge of what he is talking about 5) Able to keep the listener's attention 6) Able to obtain respect and rapport 7) Engaging 8) Good listener 9) Empathy (put yourself in the other person's shoes and imagine how they feel) Dangers of not communicating well Confusion, conflict, reduced productvity (wastage), ruined relationship, affects your reputation/image, affects your company's image Door openers (Non-webal, verbal) Smile, Nodding, Look concerned (approprirately), Looking interested, handshake, turn and face the speaker Say "Right", "Really", "That's interesting" Active listening An active listener will: 1) show genuine facial expressions 2) use good eye contact and body language 3) occasionally show understanding 4) provide regular verbal feedback 5) ask questions requiring more detail 6) ask a balance of open and closed questions 7) show patience and empathy 8) acknowlege the enthusiasm in the speaker's message 9) reflect back and think before replying 10) keep an open mind 11) listen to understand instead of listening to agree/disagree In short, active listening = empathetic listening 1) Encourages the speaker to speak 2) Confirms understanding 3) Show that you are interested 4) Reduces possibility of misunderstanding 5) Encourages speaker to develop the message and his/her feelings 6) Shows care and understanding rather than you are demanding and controlling How to paraphrase "So what you are telling me is..." "Am I right to say...." "In other words...." "What I am hearing you say is that...." "So basically you feel that..." "I see. You that that...." Other tips 1) Slow down (speech) 2) Keep language simple 3) Enunciate (use whole mouth) 4) Emphasize for meaning 5) Check for understanding 6) Have a clear goal 7) Be courteous even if stressed 8) Listen effectively 9) Encourage positive thinking 10) Treat the listener how THEY (and not you) wish to be treated

Gottman's Four Horsemen and Flooding

I came across reference to Gottman's four horsemen again in yet another book I was reading late last night. I mentioned before that I finished the book "Blink" but have been too lazy to extract what I want to remember from that book. Anyway, one of the portions I wanted to extract was the reference to the four horsemen in Blink. Fortunately, someone else must have deemed that portion worth sharing too and you can click here, to read that portion of Blink.

Gottman is apparently a leading expert on the issue of divorce with the ability to predict with more than 90% accuracy, which marriages will end in divorce. Malcom Gladwell, the author of Blink concludes that such prediction is based on pattern recognition.

What Gottman looks out for is the Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. And, even within the Four Horsemen, in fact, there is one emotion that he considers the most important of all: contempt. "Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from the community."

Criticism – Global negative statements about your partner’s character or personality. The difference between complaint and criticism is that criticism has blaming in it. It’s attacking someone’s personality or character, instead of being specific about a complaint
Defensiveness – This is a way of blaming your partner and can escalate the conflict. A person will try to defend himself or herself by denying responsibility and dishing back calculated insults.
Contempt – Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor can be poisonous because they convey disgust. What separates contempt from criticism is the intent to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Contempt is the acid in the relationship. Putting down your partner with insulting jokes, critical comments, facial expressions and verbal abuse can destroy any chance of intimacy.
Stonewalling – A partner may disengage from the relationship, signaled by looking away without saying anything and acting as though he/she doesn’t care about what the other is saying. Stonewallers withdraw from interacting emotionally in the marriage. They just stop communicating, even if an insulting situation occurs.

The Four Horsemen alone predict divorce with 82% accuracy but when you add in the failure of repair attempts (repair attempts are efforts a couple makes to deescalate tension during conflict – “to put on the brakes so flooding is prevented.”), the accuracy goes to 90+% Dr. Gottman refers to flooding as when "you feel overwhelmed and disorganized by the way your partner expresses negativity..."