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Monday, November 26, 2012

One and a half years of marriage

The past few weeks have been nothing short of tough on the relationship as we both had to adjust to the various changes (physical and lifestyle) but we made it through to the 18th monthiversary, something which I am truly grateful for.

More than ever, in my current state, I realize the importance of having a spouse who is supportive, encouraging and understanding. When one is in the pink of health or at least in control of one's body, it is far easier to reciprocate loving gestures/words, and to contribute to a relationship effectively.



I guess the test of the strength of a marriage is when one partner is simply unable to "pull one's weight" or do anything for the other partner. It calls for the other partner to give unconditionally and to pull double the weight to get the day to day done, and to do even more than before to maintain the relationship.

Thank you, my CEB for adapting to the changes in our lifestyle as best as you can, and for being all that I needed during this very tough period. We certainly hadn't expected or provisioned that this pregnancy would require so much sacrifice and adjustments (unlike the aftermath which we were aware of) but I'm glad that you were what I had expected - stepping up when needed. :)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

The first day in weeks without a single puke

Yesterday, I did not puke at all. Couple of dry retches but no vomiting. I did not eat much (loss of appetite) that day, rested a lot and only ate my folic acid + vitamin B6 in the night instead of in the morning.

So as I prepared for bed, I thanked God repeatedly, heartily and sincerely for such a wonderful day. I was positive that the tide had finally turned given that it was time it should. I'll be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all about the twins but since all the other symptoms - heartburn, tender boobs, nausea (queasy) and a total loss of appetite were still present, I figured that this was God hearing my pleas and cries for mercy. It's been sometime that I have begged God so desperately to save me.

This morning I woke up still feeling decent. No appetite still but without excess saliva pooling or stomach churning - those are the first signs everything is going to hell for the rest of the day. I figured I would repeat what I did yesterday with respect to the vitamins in case that was the make or break factor.

So to start, I had a banana, a bowl of fishball kway teoh noodles (good stuff as it makes for easy regurgitation) and because the weather was hot, a cup of sugar cane juice with a little ice.

Within the next hour...vomit storm. I splattered the floor of a public restroom because I thought it would be a dry retch and in the car, in 30mins and over 5-7 bouts, I filled 2 plastic bags with vomit. When we got to the destination, I puked in the toilet again. There was a merciful 2 hour break when we were watching a movie after and then it was back to dry retching (as my stomach was empty). After a nice seafood dinner (which for me was a disaster because I could barely eat and puked whatever I ate right after), I had another 2 hours break till I got home where I popped a Zofran.

My body, you are such a let down which is already hard to forgive...and now you want to screw with my mind too. Getting my hopes up before dashing them down. See what you do once you are given power for the first time over the mind??!

Sigh. Why is it that despite how far we have come, robotic arms and face transplants, no one has come up with a SAFE sedative for pregnant women? A pill to get rid of morning sickness altogether would be too much to ask, I get that, but how about just that little sedative to give me some relief from this nightmare?

Friday, November 23, 2012

Valleys (and peaks)

I figured it out.

I won't be down forever. I won't be bed-bound forever. There will be a time sooner or later when my life can go back to what it was. I just need to ride these months out the best I can and wait for the up which will come.

The morning sickness has not abated in intensity which about broke me yesterday. It's supposed to get better but no no no, it hasn't. I had been looking forward to the end of this misery and counting down the weeks to go. Only to be bitterly disappointed. My teeth are going to rot at this rate - don't eat, puke bile and acidic juices (our stomach makes 2l of HCL), eat and puke up the food over the next 6 hours, every hour or so.

And I have absolutely lost my appetite. Nothing tastes good. I have no cravings, I can barely choke down whatever I order. It's a struggle to eat, to take care of myself.

Everyday I think of a bar on a computer screen - a large bar which is shaded partly to show much of the task at hand is completed. How many damn percent is done. It's excruciatingly slow but hey, there is an end to the bar.

And I will never ever undertake this task again. For anyone. I realize better now my folly, my utter stupidity, my ignorance and irrational as it sounds, I hate everyone who had been through this and failed to tell me how incapacitating pregnancy is but instead egged me on this path. It's irrational because I wouldn't have listened - would have done what I wanted - get knocked up - because I'm well, stupid and stubborn like that.

I figured since pregnancy isn't a God given right, and there is such a thing as advanced maternal age (which I'm just a couple of years shy of) which would impact on the ability to conceive and the health of the child, no time should be wasted in getting cracking after a year of married life. See where that thinking got me.

To be honest, these days with all the time to think in bed, when I look ahead and look back on my life, I have only one word to describe myself - Fool.

For squandering my youth and time.
For the bad choices I made again, again and again esp in the one area that I was given free reign in.

It's hard not to have regrets when I try to figure out the next steps. I just don't waste too much time kicking myself over these but let these be a lesson learnt when formulating the next steps.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The old man & his shoe

So, while researching on the web, I came across this story which I thought was well worth remembering:

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One day an old man boarded a bus. As he was going up the steps, one of his shoes slipped off. The door closed and the bus moved off so he was unable to retrieve it. The old man calmly took off his other shoe and threw it out of the window.

A young man on the bus saw what happened, and could not help going up to the old man and asking, "I noticed what you did, sir. Why did you throw out your other shoe?"

The old man promptly replied, "So that whoever finds them will be able to use them."

The old man in the story understood a fundamental philosophy for life - do not hold on to something simply for the sake of possessing it or because you do not wish others to have it.

We lose things all the time. The loss may seem to us grievous and unjust initially, but loss only happens so that positive changes can occur in our lives. We should not always assume that losing something is bad, because if things do not shift, we'll never become better people or experience better things. That's not to say of course that we only lose "bad" things; it simply means that in order for us to mature emotionally and spiritually, and for us to contribute to the world, the interchange between loss and gain is necessary.

Like the old man in the story, we have to learn to let go. The world had decided that it was time for the old man to lose his shoe. Maybe this happened to add momentum to a series of events leading to a better pair of shoes for the old man. Maybe the search for another pair of shoes would lead the old man to a great benefactor. Maybe the world decided that someone else needed the shoes more.

Whatever the reason, we can't avoid losing things. The old man understood this. One of his shoes had gone out of his reach. The remaining shoe would not have been much help to him, but it would be a cherished gift to a homeless person desperately in need of protection from the ground.

Hoarding possessions does nothing to make us or the world better. We all have to decide constantly if some things or people have run their course in our lives or would be better off with others. We then have to muster the courage to give them away.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Counting

I have never felt that any of all the misery I have been dealing with was caused by the twins. I have only pointed fingers at myself for my stupidity and my body for flipping me the bird when it comes to pregnancy.

So, you would understand if I decline the quick fix solution to this utter torture, suggested by a select few. Not when I have seen both of them active and baby-shaped, not just blobs of white against black. They each measure the same length, are both happily moving about each of their water homes and have a strong and steady heartbeat - I demanded a longer than usual look yesterday at the doctors because if anything had gone wrong since the last time we met 2 weeks ago, I would want what had to be done immediately so that the physical torment of exhaustion, nausea, vomiting and recently, diarrhea+insomnia would be over asap.

I didn't really expect any bad news yesterday (other than the fact I lost even more weight - no surprise there) given the intensity of the morning sickness. Neither did the doctor who seemed to believe that the worse the morning sickness, the better for the pregnancy.

Just to be clear, I haven't taken this pregnancy for granted esp since it is considered a high risk one (cos of twins). And I have not prepared or done anything as yet for the twins or gone around making announcements because I am well aware that unless you take home your baby live and healthy in your arms, there is no such thing as a guaranteed pregnancy. The fact is that, anything can happen, any week any time, even past the first trimester, and even as late as past the due date(& the baby is not delivered).

On a separate but related connection, maybe it's the profession I am in, and maybe it's my character too but I believe in justice and fairness, and expect reciprocity in treatment.

Evil must be met with evil and goodness with like.

If you have not shown me support or understanding during this period, expect not any care, concern or understanding from me going forward.

If you have failed to be respectful or kind, do not think for a moment I will be courteous or considerate to you.

If you are not willing to be responsible and to step up to what is required of the situation, then you will be treated accordingly - with contempt and ill will.

If you cannot act like a decent human bring, you will not be spoken to or addressed with decency.

Pregnancy doesn't make me nastier than I was. Pregnancy is instead an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and those I know, or rather thought I knew. And use what I have learnt, to make preparations for what must be done.

Monday, November 19, 2012

No constipation

Because I had the opposite of it today. It's a relief in a way but dehydration from the mess at that end means I am slightly feverish.

I still fail to see/catch a pattern to the sickness despite my blogging in terms of the timing when it strikes. The only two things I have learnt is (1) avoid cold drinks if possible - that almost always guarantees a "face to shit bowl" (2) sleep or rest as much as possible to trick the body into thinking its asleep. Doesn't always work but its the best I've got.

Asked my grandma last night how she did it 7 times, and she said she hadn't a choice - the grandfather wanted kids.

I had a choice. Ooooo (insert choice cuss words here). Blame the hormones but I am not the glowing radiant excited person with that cute little bump I envisioned. I am not that "starry eyed in love and wondering how miniature CEBs would turn out" wife anymore.

The daily fatigue, weariness, dry retching, nausea (washing machine belly), vomiting, constipation, back aches (oh stomach, How I miss flopping on you), lack of appetite, aversion to smells, fickle taste buds (lots of wasted food) and all the crazy hormones are K.I.L.L.I.N.G me.

It's not that I don't want to embrace my life, my work, my CEB as before. It's a case where the human will is just unable to overcome the physical limitations.

My emotions thankfully are not all over the place, it's flat for the most part, even with my CEB. I am happy for him to leave me alone on the bed without interaction. I am not clingy (yet) or loony (yet). No heated nasty quarrels, too tired for that.

When we disagree or either of us isn't happy, we just leave the other alone. I don't seethe in silence or cry when that happens - I just can't feel anything, being too pre occupied with my daily physical sufferings. And I could care less what he felt or what he was doing.

But but but, I find myself repulsed by his smell (something which I never knew he had throughout our marriage), angered with him when he insists on climbing over me in the morning for a cuddle and sweet talk when all I want is just to continue sleeping, irritated when he sits down or moves and thus jostles me on our king-sized bed when I am resting, and get this, weirdly enraged when he snores or make noises in his sleep as I try to fall asleep. Enraged to the point where I want to pinch his nose to shut him up, whether or not he wakes up. I think we are headed for separate beds until this period is over - nothing personal you understand.

I am not a nice person anymore (if I was never nice then I am worse now). I genuinely feel sorry for my CEB and try to be as undemanding and understanding as I possibly can. Of course I hope that this will be reciprocated and so far, he has been as good as he possibly knows.

He isn't perfect, I don't get the flowers and thank you gifts/words for all you are suffering to make us a complete family. I get called a useless wife when I refuse to get out of bed to make breakfast on a weekend but it isn't with any malice and he still has to do it himself (he needs to trade bodies with me for a day to get it), he still has to be nagged at to vacuum/mop and he appears to be oblivious to what needs to be done about the house.

As long as it doesn't impact me directly like, his snoring, wanting attention, or giving me work to do, I really don't have the energy to rag him so he's still not too badly off.

The tide is expected to turn any minute now and I am praying that like everything that has gone by the book throughout the past months,my condition turns the corner very soon and we can have some semblance of what used to be our life back.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Good days v bad days

Yesterday I had an exceptionally good day - high energy level and no puking from 11am till 5pm

I thought that finally God had reached down and saved me from my misery, that I was finally released from the nightmare I'd been in the past weeks. I was so ready to go back to work, conquer the world, get my life back.

We even had a great dinner of black pepper crabs. And that's when shortly after, things slid downhill. I puked some of the dinner on the way home. And then more when we got back. I remember being wiped out when we got home. A 2 hours trip out = exhaustion.

Then this morning, I woke up with a rolling feeling in my stomach after I had taken a sip of the lemon water by my bedside. I knew it was going to be a bad day so I quickly popped one Zofran, yesterday I hadn't had any. I ate some crackers and a slice of bread to fill my stomach too without much fluids to see if I would be better.

No such luck - I threw up in the car one hour later, and again. Lots of sour stomach fluid and I felt dizzy. Had my CEB buy an isotonic drink to help balance the electrolytes.

Didn't feel so dizzy after but the drink made my stomach churn even more with the fizz - a warm gurgling that made me feel like puking even more.

So I did - twice before lunch and after lunch when I finally made it home where my sweet husband had vacuumed and some sort of mopped, I went to hug the toilet bowl (not him who said I smelled bad - of stale vomit I suppose - sitting in the car with a bag of puke next to me did that). No point getting up since I was going to puke more than once.

After that I continued to vomit 5 more times in that one hour - most if not all of lunch.

I don't know what to do anymore. Sea bands don't help, rooibos tea or sour plums don't either. And I can't stand ginger. Peppermint tea I am trying now (update: it doesn't help) but I can't believe that one of the strongest med for chemo, Zofran, isn't helping.

Neither is praying. I prayed for strength at church and to be saved from this morning sickness but I guess it's one of those times God says No. I tried not to vomit after service having received God but well, unless He was digested within a snap, I don't really know.

I feel I'm dying. I'm so exhausted after just a bit of walking, dizzy if I stand too long (ten minutes?), nauseated if I don't eat, having to puke if I eat. And I can't eat like I used to in terms of quantity. A mouthful too much more and everything rises up to my throat and its splat a roo. Eating expensive stuff is a pure waste since I can't keep the food, or much of the food down.

So now, my clothes are loose - I'm supposed to be gaining weight not losing, esp with twins but my body has decided to wage war against me. It's as I said, like my body is telling me "payback for neglecting me time!" Ok I don't slather myself in body cream every night or go to spas much, but that doesn't mean I need to be put through the grind like this.

I see the doctor again this week and the next week. I'm glad (though the bank account isn't), that visits are at least every 2 weeks - if something has gone wrong, I don't want to be suffering needlessly for longer than necessary. As I said to my CEB, I can't think beyond me me me and just me after all the physical hoops my body is making me jump through. As much as I love my CEB, love God's gifts to us which are the size of limes this week (how fast they grow), I cannot feel or think, much less do anything for my husband or the twins. When the body comes under serious attack, I guess the body and mind prioritizes on sustaining the primary organism first.

The only thing carrying me through this right now is my faith. God will not bring me to anything He won't carry me through, as I said before. That's what I keep telling myself, between the rounds of puking.

All 15 rounds of actual projectile vomiting today between 10am to 8pm. I have a fever too - from the vomiting I suppose. It has been a really awful day - one of the worst. Can't get the taste of vomit out of my mouth and I can smell the stink of my breath. Took another Zofran tonight. It's going to be hell to pay I know for my other end but this is so very bad I need the relief like NOW, or rather yesterday already.

And the latest hypothetical question I have (as if I could choose but well it's fun to delude myself) - would I have alternate bad days (like today) and good days (like yesterday with less than 5 pukes) or just average days (5-10 pukes and dry retching)?

You go figure. And by the way, dry retching feels like the food in your stomach is squeezed into a solid fist which is then punched upwards from your gut to the middle of your chest. The pain radiates to the rib cage and nothing comes out of your mouth so like a piston, the fist, the knot punches again and again till you can hardly breathe and are doubled over. Sweet.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Undoing.

Not all things can be undone without consequences. Or cost.

And I'm not talking about the time or money spent in the doing. That's sunk and irrecoverable.

I'm talking about the going forward to undo.

I don't believe in looking back and regretting the decisions I have made (although it is inevitable in moments of weakness I do). Because it doesn't change what has been done or my current predicament, which is what it would not have been if I had made a different decision then.

I think it's best to think, comfort myself, that whatever decision I made was the best and practically, the only one I could have given all the circumstances then. That way, I leave No room for regrets and "should haves".

Which brings me now to an important decision that I (THINK) I have to make unfortunately. Other than my notorious history of wallowing, agonizing and refusing to make the tough decisions that so obviously need to be made, why I blogging about this one is because I feel frustrated and mad my hands are so bound when it comes to this decision.

By law.

For now, that is. There will come a time though when the cost of obedience to those laws is too high a price to pay and I would risk all and incur the cost and bear the consequences to proceed to undo what has been done.

I'm just wondering when that time will come. And no, I'm not referring here to my current predicament despite the hell the hormones are putting me through.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Devil or the deep blue sea

Like the alternatives I have been presented in life, once more I am forced to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea.

I chose Zofran this morning and had an agonizing one hour on the bowl. I think I'm blowing blood out from the wrong hole now when I let out the inevitable stink bomb.

Then, I developed an unrelenting headache that felt like I was wearing a steel crown that was way too small and being tightened every hour.

That, left me as incapacitated today as the nausea+vomiting. Or rather, I got far more done yesterday than today, work wise. I don't know which is worse anymore. When I am vomiting, I think I am on hell. When I have such a massive headache, I think that's hell. Told ya - it's between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Or maybe not - I was offered a "brilliant" suggestion last night. The motivation behind it was hardly malice or spite but more of self-interest. It made me think of Saw, the movie - the testing of the lengths pp will go to in the name of self preservation. It also made me think of the obnoxious diabetic obese prick I was once with, for he would have asked me to do the same thing so that he would not be inconvenienced.

Well, we all know how that engagement ended. He's still on the market after all this time, and still trying to use his family backing to give him a toehold in the dating game.

As for this person who came up with such a "brilliant" solution to my problems, I say, what goes around comes around in due time. God hears, the Universe hears, Heaven hears and Fate hears what you have uttered and there will be consequences, that you can be sure of.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Whine Part X

It's a vicious cycle - if the stomach is empty, the nausea increases and when I go eat something, I end up puking it out. So because I hate puking, I don't eat and then my stomach starts churning like a washing machine and then I am vomiting out bile or dry retching till I am in agony. There is just no winning in this situation.

I have tried all sorts of mind tricks - telling myself to pretend that I am as I was before all this happened and telling myself to breathe deep and think of calming thoughts when I feel as sick as a dog BUT my body betrays me. And if you think for a moment that vomiting makes me feel better instead of just feeling queasy, you need to get food poisoning already.

Then there is all that excess saliva in the mouth which makes me want to puke. Spit and more spittle collects. This is like a cosmic joke. And on top of this all (all including constipation), I get dizzy easily if I stand up right away or if I stand too long. I read that this is because of the increased blood volume.

I am for all intents and purposes, rendered useless, a prisoner of my own body which has developed a vicious mind of its own - payback time for the times I neglected to pamper it?

Asked myself the big old question - what am I going to do about this? Well well tell me what more could I do short of killing myself (which unfortunately is no longer the last card I can play in this hand life dealt me without me being a murderer)?

Prayed? Check. Maybe should pray harder. Keep telling myself God will not bring me to anything that He will not see me through. Asked for anti nausea pills? Check. Gotten 1 of the strongest meant for cancer patients and we all know how well that worked.

Think positive? Check. You don't want to know how many pep talks I have given myself just to get through each day - be grateful for what The Good Lord has given, how many women would kill to have what you do. Scared myself? Check. The Good Lord can easily take away what he has given... And at this point after heaving my guts out with tears running down my face, my throat sour & acidic and my knees on the ground knocking together from the spasms, you know what, I am actually praying my miserable life will end there and then. Yeah.

It's no use saying that this is temporary and will pass in time. Everything is temporary and will pass in due course - life included. This saying is no comfort to the suffering who live each moment out in misery. I have heard even more stupid advice for my plight - blame your kids when they are out. Erm, yeah, that's so the purpose I am suffering through this to have them right???

I did not take Zofran this morning and as I type this,....ok I am back from another round of kneeling at the toilet bowl vomiting out acidic stomach juices. My throat hurts now like its on fire but I am still not going to take Zofran.

Both types of pain, from vomiting bile and from constipation can really go head to head on the pain o meter scale. And it isn't just physical (although that is the bulk), I also wonder which activity - stomach spasms from puking or stomach spasms from straining is more prejudicial to my current state.

Oh wait. Snap. Current literature on the net say neither - it is the Mother who bears it All. Did I expect otherwise?

And did I say too - I am not putting myself through this process ever again! I write this again and again and Again so the future me reading back on my experiences as laid out in this blog won't forget. Ever.

A month ago I asked my friend who had to take unpaid leave for 10months (& she was earning close to 5 digits) whether she thought it was worth it in the end because I was close to dying from the puking then. She said yes. I asked why. She said the feeling when her daughter looks at her like she is the greatest thing ever makes it all worthwhile. I think she really believes that because after that horrific experience, she had her No 2 girl just 3 years later. But when I heard her answer my heart sank - all this suffering for a feeling? A feeling I have lived quite happily my whole life without?

Unlike her, who is now planning to retire early and take care of her two young ones (she wants a third!), I have this blog and I therefore can pen down every detail of misery so I won't forget in this lifetime how this process has been for me. IT SUCKS EGGS! DON'T EVER GET YOURSELF IN THIS HELL HOLE AGAIN!

Oy, just oy. Since things are the way they are for me now, I guess I have no choice but to go suck it up and lie in the bed I made. Go me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Waking up and 1 week closer

I start the day wondering if I am going to puke. The answer is usually a resounding yes.

And that's why I prefer to stay asleep for as long as I can.

I don't dare not to pop Zofran in the morning after the day I tried to go meds free but I am still questioning its efficacy since I end up puking 2 hours right after taking the same. And then puking at least 7-8 times more a day.
Esp after each meal or drink (cold drinks in particular).

I wish I could see into my uterus at will to keep me going through this nightmare. My current greatest fear is that something has gone wrong days ago and I am suffering needlessly, being tortured for nothing. If something has gone wrong, I would like to have my body back, unshared as before, thank you v much.

Guess I will find out in a weeks time , a week closer to when this morning sickness is supposed to go away. It has to go away, please. I cannot imagine living out the balance of the time needed in this state or worse.

Excuse me while I go and wallow. I did not take Zofran this morning (the side effect of constipation is a killer) and am now battling the lovely feeling of nausea (feeling of food up to the throat and stomach churning) and dry retching in bed.

Edited to add: After typing the word retching in the para above, I was seized by a series of uncontrollable retches that brought up acidic bile and had me running to the toilet. Where I stood trying to fight the convulsions (while wondering if this is how my CEB would find me - dead and covered in bile slumped on the toilet floor) which eventually brought me to my knees.
Gave up and popped a zofran right after. Guess this is confirmation that I can't live without heavy duty anti nausea medication.

Vomiting every two hours versus a min of body wrenching bile producing retching convulsions...cool choices, no?

Please body, just dang adjust already to the altered state of things. Get used to being shared and all that hormone stuff already. If there was ever a time when I needed you to really get it together, it's now.

Friday, November 09, 2012

Things will get better...right?

Eyes on the prize(es), Light at the end of the tunnel...*roll eyes. *Pleeeeease!

I have a massive headache and am exhausted from sending just one email. Just dry retching so far, thanks to Zofran but the side effects - fatigue and a pounding headache have rendered me just as incapacitated. Oh, and the constipation is agony when on the bowl. I am suffering as I never have.

And the worst bit of it all is that it's all my fault. There are choices, and there are choices. Esp when it comes to matters of my body that I have absolute control over. If this suffering was something that happened to me without choice, I would be well within my rights to bemoan and lament my fate to the world. As it is, I can only curse myself repeatedly, daily, hourly, with each puke, for choosing this path and giving up all that was great in my life.

Now, some women say they would do anything to be in this position. These are of course those who have never experienced being dehydrated with IVs inserted into the back of one hand and having their arteries plunged with a needle to draw blood when their veins are deemed too tortured to draw blood from. Never spent weeks on a hospital bed with unwashed greasy hair, and had to be bathed by nurses. Never suffered the consecutive retching that leaves one's stomach in knots from the pain, the erosion of their teeth enamel from all the vomiting, the indignity of having a doctor dig the shit from one's arse because one is too constipated and everything is just lodged in there, the daily task of having to examine one's underwear to determine if the blood is from the front or back or both. Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, especially if one has never been to the other side.

Now, I can say that having walked these miserable weeks on the other side, I will never ever choose to take such a walk again. Never ever. Screw societal and parental expectations. And Even if it was our marriage at stake, I will not put my body or mind through this.

I don't blame my CEB the least for my predicament (although at my lowest I do outloud), it was my choice. He could not have made me do this if I didn't agree.

I only feel so sorry for him that the great life we had together as two of us has changed so drastically. And I can't even promise him that at the end of this journey, that great life would be restored. Because that's unlikely with the new demands and responsibilities placed on us.

My poor CEB. I love the poor sod so much still - even these nights as I lay awake plagued by insomnia and watch him sleeping next to me, I still have the tenderest feelings and often reach over to take his hand or rub his back. So I feel really awful for him because my actions if affection are so severely limited - cuddling is out cos once on the bed, inertia and I are bosom buddies. Mohammed can no longer go to the mountain. The mountain must come to Mohammed.

I can't wait for this phrase of my life to be over. And I am filled with newfound respect for womanhood. I read somewhere, in relation to Silent Hill, that to a child, Mother is God (why Alessa spared Dahlia). Only now do I begin to scratch the surface of understanding this.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Trying to go meds-free for a day

I'm going to do what I do best - whine. And whine some more.

When I wasn't incapacitated, I had an awesome life. This blog is somewhat a testimony to that - the places I have travelled, food I have savored, the indulgence in my beloved fishing or domestic forays.

I basically did whatever I pleased, within my financial/time constrains, health was never a factor that held me back.

Now, I am humbled. Felled. Brought to my knees (literally to hug the toilet bowl). Everything that I once was, I no longer am. Everything I could once do, I can't even dream of. Yes, not even the comforting thoughts of food which I once used to indulge in to lull me to sleep. For now, the mere thought of food, esp cold food makes the bile rise unpleasantly up my throat.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better than normal and decided to go anti-nausea meds free given all the nasty side effects like insomnia and constipation. Just the sea bands and vitamin.

Well, instead of two hourly pukes, I puked thrice in 2 hours. So I guess the meds do help somewhat. It's just whether I want to trade off vomiting against painful bloody constipation or insomnia. Don't I love my choices?

And no, I do not derive any comfort from the "fact" that the worse the nausea/puking, the better it is for this situation.

I want my nightmare to end already. Before it ends me or I end up in hospital.

The sayings "what doesn't break you makes you stronger" and "it's all in the mind" are just so inapplicable for this type of situation where it is the body betraying your will.

I have told myself a million times "Do not throw up", "Do not Think of throwing up" , "Think of a calm beach and white sand". And still..... GAG Puke. Rinse. Retch. Retch. Puke.

I'm seriously tired of this all.

ETA: I gave up and popped a zofran in the evening. That was after retching consecutively from a standing position that brought me all the way down to my knees to hug the toilet bowl. I thought I would pass out from the stomach convulsions and inability to catch my breath. Bah. So much for a meds free day. My life is really in the pits.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Two isn't always better than one

Zofran, Reglan and Vit B6 aren't working for me.

Retch. Puke. Retch. Puke. Every 2 freaking hours. Still.

Zofran gave me constipation. That was awful. And it didn't work to add insult on top of injury. Two hours after taking it - puke-a-roo.

Reglan gave me a massive headache. I thought someone had taken a syringe and stabbed me in the side of my head. It hurt that much. And I felt even more tired, if that's possible. 3 hours later, hello food that went down earlier.

I'm so sick and miserable. I cannot recall when in my life I was this badly off. Retching and puking is exhausting - I can't get the smell of vomit out of my nose. My poor CEB smells puke too - on his pillow, in the bathroom.

I feel sorry for him. He doesn't have a wife to speak of anymore. Cuddle? He gets pushed away with a mumbled leave me alone so I can sleep. What are we eating for dinner tonight? He gets told I don't know and don't care cos I have lost my appetite totally and will puke it up anyway.

When the poor fellow crawled over me this morning and bravely landed a kiss on his wife's puke-smelling cheek, my heart just about broke for the sorry sod. Cos instead of a reciprocal token of love, he got shoved away with a snarl and a "I am not doing this ever again."

And no sir, I am not. Choosing to make the transition from singlehood to marriage life with my CEB was an awesome rewarding decision. Oh, the places we have been, how we have enjoyed ourselves together around the world from as close as JB to as far as Peru.

Choosing to pursue what we, or should I say, I (since it was largely my idea) thought was the next step after marriage has not proved to be such a wise decision. If I could turn back time, I would clock my old self over the head hard for being such a damn fool to try to conform to societal and parental expectations.

Delusional. Stupid. I wrote off my close friend's miserable experience ( she had to take 10months of unpaid leave) as something that would not happen to me. I only saw what I wanted to - pictures on Facebooks, friends making the whole process seem like a damn breeze- grinning and getting back to work with their figures restored in no time, daily/monthly updates of the end result.

And now I know better. There are the lucky ones and there are the unlucky ones. And in this sort of situation, there is nothing you can do, good deeds, kind thoughts etc that can influence the luck of the draw.

And I drew the short end of the stick. While there are cases which are far worse, I have lost weight instead if gained and the doctor spoke of hospitalization yesterday if I continued down the slippery slope. It wasn't that he was not sympathetic, just factual - Every unpleasant aspect of my current state is unfortunately multiplied twice. Having more sometimes isn't necessarily a good thing.

How did my life deteriorate so rapidly? Oh wait, yeah, it was my stupid decision. Paying the price now. Things are supposed to get better in a matter of a few weeks (really???!!!) and while that sounds like a short period of time, believe me that gagging, retching and vomiting every 2 hours when awake daily for the next one month feels like an eternity.

I (think) I am done whining today. I need to go puke (love the excessive saliva hah) again and then crawl back to the stinky bed to plonk my incapacitated self.

No matter what, this will be the final time I get myself in this predicament. Seriously. Having crossed the bridge and walked in these shoes, there is no way in hell anyone will persuade me to go through this again. No way. I write this post as a reminder less my stupid self forgets, which is supposed to be one of the other effects of this situation I am in. Simply lovely ain't it?