Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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Thursday, March 21, 2013

2.2kg of babies

I am so relieved that the twins have passed the 1kg mark each and the doctor deems them well on track within the normal growth/weight range.

I am also thankful to have passed the OGTT although I was fairly confident I would since I have been vomiting daily still and gained only 7kg, 5kg of which was weight lost during the first trimester. The twins have also been merciless in dictating what I am or am not allowed to keep down - sushi is a 90% no go and food that I used to love like otah and mee pok, I can no longer stand the sight, smell or thought of. Thankfully the good stuff like beef, fish and birdnest, I can keep down 90% of the time.

The no of weeks left are in the single digits and the third trimester is proving to be every bit as bad as the first. I am exhausted most of the day like I was then , and though I am vomiting lesser, I still vomit daily and I now have heartburn which is painful and makes it difficult to lie on the side. So I lie on my back mostly and this makes my back ache. Oh, and with a protruding stomach that looks like a lopsided egg, bending down as well as vomiting accurately in the bowl (hello splatter) becomes a challenge. I asked the doctor about all these pains and aches,and he told me that I must bear with these as the babies are lying low and growing heavier. Now I know why pregnant women waddle, not cos of the weight of their belly but cos their unmentionables ache so bad. Finally, there is the stabbing pain in my side, the left ribs and this pain takes the cake because I can't think of anything when the pain flares up. It is seriously incapacitating. All of this pain and suffering put together equals a very miserable me. I never ever ever want to put myself through this again. Never.

I am most grateful though for all the traveling I did the past 2 years before this - the long haul flights, the weekend road trips to Malaysia, the offshore fishing, everything that I cannot do now or in the near future. Looking back, I see how well God has timed everything in my life such that I have no regrets how I worked or lived the past few years.

I just want the little ones to be here safe and sound, normal and healthy. Twin A is now lying traverse facing up and twin B is still lying face down facing her. At this stage, they are definitely aware of each other and when I feel the kicks and thumps, I wonder if they are kicking each other. Twin A is getting more active, or perhaps I am more sensitive to her movements as she is lying so low and each thump sends a wave to my bladder. Twin B is much higher and when she kicks it makes me go ooof cos the kick is so hard. But nothing is more enjoyable than to feel them move/squirm under my hand. Sometimes my whole belly wobbles like a jelly from the force of their kicks which is pretty funny to see but it's really the squirmy feeling that makes me feel do connected to the babies. I am actually carrying 2 little lives, 2 bodies complete with 4 arms and legs in me. It's a blessing, it's glorious, it's humbling and yet exhilarating.

I know now why a pregnant mother would choose to die so their unborn child might live. If there was just a half percent chance that my death would enable either twin to be born alive, I would take that chance. The twins are alive, so real, so tangible. I cannot fathom myself living without them.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Pure love

I am beginning to fall in love with the 2 little ones.

As they gain in strength (and hopefully weight+size since my belly button is starting to look all distorted/pushed out), I can feel them thudding, flipping, squirming, kicking in there. They used to be still if I put my hand over them but now, they continue moving under my hand. Where my skin is thinnest, I can feel each budge and swell, and my entire belly wobbles when 1 of them kicks.

I end up talking outloud to them "what are u doing in there little one?" Because now they seem more real to me than before. Alive and tangible. They are already thoroughly spoilt before they arrive with everything in place for them down to toys. I'm going to start washing their clothes next week and pack the hospital bag.

I want them to be here - safe healthy normal. Not too early but not too late. I'm terrified at the same time, of both outcomes. The changes to my life when they come...or if well, God has other plans for them. I always imagine that when we were trying to have kids, God had, from a garden full of little souls, chosen and announced that it was time for this two to grace our lives. For how long - the time in utero, 1yr, 10yrs, 100 yrs...it was all already decided by God. I imagine the 2 little ones happy to obey God's command to be with us on earth though we are 2 unworthy and sinful souls.

And so I feel blessed and grateful for the time I have now, might have later with them. The greatest gift that I have is that of feeling the 2 lives alive in me. Despite the excruciating pain in my left ribs every waking moment, the aches at the unmentionables, the daily vomiting that leaves me breathless, gasping, kneeling by the bowl and the slow agonizing heartburn/burps that makes it impossible for me to lay on my sides some nights..

I am completely utterly and irrevocably in love with the 2 little ones in me and when we meet, wherever that might be, I will tell them that.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Be Bigger!

At the detailed scan this week to monitor the blood flow for each twin, Twin A was estimated to weigh 670gm and Twin B, the little one, had actually overtaken her big sister to weigh 703gm! Twin A was shown to be lying on her back, passive as usual except for bringing her hands to her face but the moment the wand moved to Twin B, the screen was fully of activity. Twin B was kicking her legs, moving her hands, stretching, curling up...I have a feeling that she's the one going to be keeping us busy when she's out! In the meantime, I have been telling her to flip over and stop lying face downwards so much but I suppose maybe it's because she prefers to face Twin A who is facing upwards and lying beneath her. 

Twin A is lying horizontally across my belly below the belly button while Twin B is on top of her above my belly button. So Twin B is the one responsible for all the pain I have been feeling in my ribs. With the twins, I have been carrying my belly bump starting from under the breasts (carrying high, not low) and the pain at my breastbone is just plain agonizing.I read that it is because the twins have displaced my organs and are probably squishing one of the organs (diaphragm?) against the rib cage. That or my rib cage is being pushed apart to accommodate their growth. After all, my belly isn't hanging out too much at this stage (no basketball starting from the waist type of belly) so I guess my abdominal cavity is wide and long enough to hold the little ones.

While the doctor assured me that the twins are on track in terms of growth according to their charts, I was still quite worried and miserable that the twins were each measuring smaller than my forum friends' babies who were at the same week. There was 1 forum friend whose baby hit 1kg even and I had thought the twins would weigh in close given their parents' size. I mean, there are only so many weeks left before they come out to see the world and they need to weigh at least 4 times their current weight each by then! And the heavier they weigh, if touch wood, they end up seeing the world earlier than expected, their chances of survival are far higher.

Hence, I have been trying to eat more fish, birdnest and essence of chicken. And oh, ice cream too.  The daily vomiting is probably the culprit. Even yesterday, I vomited in the car all over my blouse and shorts. I've run out of plastic bags in the car as I've vomited in so many of them I've lost count. And a few days ago, I had a round of mad explosive vomiting that was so bad the entire toilet bowl, seat, cover and floor were splattered with vomit. Cleaning up was so not funny.

Add the vomiting to the rib cage pain, the insomnia and the daily fatigue, I can only wonder how much worse things are going to get when the twins double and then triple in size over the coming weeks. I doubt I'll be able to move then, if at all. I'm glad I settled almost everything I have to, and will likely be able to settle everything I need to before I hit the third trimester.