Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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Monday, April 29, 2013

Less than a month left

Yeah, not even 4 weeks left and I can't wait. Pregnancy is a blessing but for those who have had it rough like yours truly, there is nothing quite like getting your body back.

My body is aching in so many places that I am one giant mass of pain. My back, which I can't sleep on anymore due to the weight of the bump, my left ribs which are terribly sore because Twin B has decided to lodge her knees/foot/elbow in there, my unmentionables because they are preparing for childbirth...Things I took for granted like flipping from side to side I can't do now without wincing in pain and using my upper body and arms. And getting up to pee for the xth no of times is an exercise on its own. Oh and recently I have had to clear my bowels several times a day, no shit (ok bad joke) and I found out from Dr Google that this is cos of my expanding uterus ie growing babies. The same uterus has also displaced my internal organs - my diaphragm is so mashed up that I get breathless and dizzy even in bed. I literally can't breathe and have to pant n gasp so that I don't pass out. When I am in bed though, I just pray to pass out so I don't feel the rest of the aches. And when Twin B curls up tightly just under my ribcage, I literally hyper ventilate from having no room to catch a breath.

So while Twin B is wrecking havoc on the top half, Twin A has decided to get in on the fun too. Now I feel dull thuds n kicks from her resonating through the bottom half of my body which is thankfully bearable as these are muffled. It is only when she decides to step on my bladder that I decide she isn't so gentle after all. That pain is a sharp unyielding pain which demands immediate attention and shifting of one's body. Not like Twin B whose tightening, rolling and kicking I can sometimes ignore.

My digestive system is a mess - I have no appetite and can't stop vomiting everyday, between 5-10 hurls. Not as bad as the first trimester but terribly disruptive n exhausting. To add, I have a vile taste in my mouth, excessive saliva and smell bad enough for my CEB to crawl off me. I also belch and burp uncontrollably with a rattling sound. Thank goodness for the medication for heartburn which means no acid reflux.

Oh, and my feet and ankles are swollen too. Never small to begin with, they look like an elephant's legs now. Flexing them hurts. Can't walk much now and not like I am inclined too since I am exhausted every day. Like today, I can't get out of bed at all being achy and fatigued beyond measure. So here I lie on my left side with the twins squirming away merrily keeping me company.

I am miserable miserable MISERABLE. And I can't fathom why and how anyone would do this more than once. Maybe God knows that I'll only do this once so he has blessed us with twins.

One pregnancy, one delivery....yeah I'll take that despite the additional expenses.

PS: Just vomited out with great gusto the salmon fish I marinated and steamed for dinner. Here I am trying to get the best food into them and there's my reward - right back in the bowl! I really am counting the days till I get my body back (as it was b4 pregnancy and no I won't complain anymore about it though it was a large one as it enabled me to still function and have an identity of sorts).

Monday, April 08, 2013

Vomit fiesta

This is no way to live. I'm vomiting after every meal and in between meals too. Despite taking the meds to reduce the amount of acid in the tummy. That only helps with the heartburn and reduces the occurrence of explosive vomiting. But the vomiting is still going on. Mouthfuls of whatever I just ate, excess saliva and an empty wet taste in the mouth.

I have filled countless plastic bags of vomit already. When I am driving, when my CEB is driving, and now to avoid the horror of cleaning up after myself in the bedroom, I keep the dustbin by my side. I can't talk much cos of the constant belching and vomiting - if I am not fighting not to vomit, I am vomiting/have a mouthful of vomit Or am feeling dizzy and faint from having just vomited. There isn't a single good moment except when I am asleep. I'm not kidding. I am counting down to when this nightmare will end,

Oh, and I have developed stretch marks too. My belly is huge now and I despair at how I am ever going to look close to what I looked before ever again - floppy belly n saggy skin! I have also neglected so much while being in the trenches - no facials, no masks or night creams, no social life, nothing. I want my appetite back, my digestive system back, my life back, my identity back! Now I only have this much of energy to get key work done n prepare for the twins arrival, anything else is a bonus. Those days of cooking/travel/road trips - distant memories. Getting out of bed (without being compelled to due to the need to vomit/pee) IS a major accomplishment. I'm right where I begun 8 months ago - as sick and incapacitated as a dog.

The twins on the other hand seem to be thriving in there - Twin B is very active, pushing up against my ribs, squirming under the skin till the stretching actually hurts and when I lay on my right side which she really hates, she kicks very hard - like, thud, thud, THUD till I roll over. Or sometimes, there is a flurry of gentler but faster kicks from her to indicate that I need to shift position. Twin A's kicks seem to be directed towards the back, maybe cos of the placenta but she's a v gentle quiet baby who mostly wriggles and squirms. Thank goodness else I think the skin near my unmentionables would burst if she was anything like Twin B. I worry about Twin A sometimes when I don't feel her move but usually the next morning, the wriggling is back. My CEN and I wonder if their characters are going to be such when they are out.

We are glad that they have had each other for company in the womb, and hopefully when they are out in this large world.
When we wanted to conceive, I made a promise to them-who-had-yet-to-be... I told them that this world is a beautiful place and we would as parents, hold their hands to share with them the lovely experiences that life has to offer.

Hence, I really need my body back and functioning. This vomiting, fatigue, aches, insomnia...they are only bearable on a day to day and because of that promise. The fact that the end is in sight too gives me the will to go on, though it is day to day functionality. More than 3/4 of the way there, more than 80% in fact. Please let us make it to the finish line safely.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

New experiences

I spent a good part of the evening on my hands and knees picking up and wiping vomit. I can't remember a time in my life when I had to do that and was tempted to google search the best way to clear up vomit. The idea of using a mop crossed my mind but I didn't want bits of the vomit (consisting of chewed up rock melon mostly) caught in the mop's hair. So I used tissue then wet wipes.
I was sitting at the desk composing a polite email to my boss when I felt the urge to belch. So after a few burps, I felt strange and tried to take a deep breath.

Unfortunately, this triggered a round of explosive projectile vomiting that left bits of vomit on the bed sheet, bedroom floor, toilet door n doorframe, toilet floor and toilet bowl. Oh, and on my hands, arms, legs and face too (I had tried to cup the vomit). The vomiting was so bad that I was on my knees hugging the bowl and making the loudest horrific belching and choking sounds. The force of all that vomiting resulted in my thoroughly wetting my undies too. So there I was, alone at home, splattered in vomit and pee. Now that's a new low.

Add the huge belly, cleaning up so I could make it out for dinner was a nightmare. I threw away the rug that had the most vomit. I could not see myself washing out the vomit. Then I lay down for 5mins as I felt so dizzy and weak from the vomiting before I had to haul my ass out for dinner.

I'm not sorry that I'm at the home stretch of this pregnancy!

What I will miss though are the nudges and kicks from the twins. Twin A is a night owl like me and as she is lying so low with her head down, I can feel her squirm under my hand and the thinnest part of my skin near the unmentionables. When she kicks which is less often than Twin B, the kicks go thump backwards towards my lower backbone area. Twin A has control of my bladder and while there are times I am too tired or achy to get out of bed, her weight on, or nudges towards my bladder makes me change my mind quickly about lying further in bed. She is much shyer than Twin B and whenever my CEB puts his hand over her, she becomes completely still. I also get that from her so sometimes to stop her from squirming quite so much, I put my hand over her,

Twin B, my little active girl who is lying across my belly is getting stronger as she gets bigger. I can feel her pushing out against my upper belly and sometimes the strength of her movement hurts. Today, as I was working in the laptop, I felt her move left to right and when I looked down ,there was a ripple in the fabric from left to right which was fascinating! I lifted up my clothing to look at my belly in the hope she would do it again but no luck. I think it was her elbow as it was such a hard pokey movement. The little one has also taken to curling up against my right ribs instead of the left, giving me a respite from the awful stabbing pain in my left ribs. My CEB and I are fascinated each time by her little head or bum making a hard palm-sized roundish bump near my right ribs area. Usually I would stroke that bump gently and ask her what she's up to and after a bit, she would move away and stop pressing up. When she's at the center of my belly bump, I can feel her move under the skin and when she kicks, if is towards the front so my entire belly wobbles. Beats her kicking me high in the ribs though - I go ooof from the strength of those! Now this one is not shy. When my CEB puts his hand over her, she doesn't move away but continues with what she does. My CEB looks thrilled each time she kicks him...I hope he will continue to be so when she does that when she is out!

Now that I plagued with insomnia (unless I knock myself out with the anti nausea pills), I can't help but note the resemblance between my CEB and Tein B. Both are morning creatures and both flip and toss often! Oh, and both like sleeping on their stomachs and need loads of attention and affection!

I love my twins oh so v much already! I'm so grateful to The Good Lord, my CEB, for letting me have this most wonderful experience of growing and feeling two lives, two babies in my body. It's the most indescribable experience, just like vomiting today was. I thought my life was full and complete before, all the travel etc but now I know that all this pales in comparison to being the carrier of two little beings. Fearfully and wonderfully made indeed!

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

3+ kilos of babies and A Date

Twin A is now 1.6kg and Twin B is 1.55kg. That is a gain of abt 1/2 a kilo each in two weeks! All the consumption of maternal milk, durians, chicken essence, bird nest, fish, beef and nuts(macademia & pistachio) is paying off despite the third trimester symptoms of vomiting, heartburn and aches! I have gained a total of 1.6kg to date, or rather 6.6kg if u count the 5kg I lost the first trimester. And 3kg of that are the twins...not counting their placenta and amniotic fluid. No wonder friends n colleagues have commented that I look like I lost weight.

Both little ones were deceptively well behaved during the detailed scan. The sonographer commented twice that the two were doing v well for twins and that they were so cooperative during the scan. Indeed, both twins lay there placidly with minimal movements, showing no signs of the kicking and squirming they have been doing, esp Twin B whose kicks are now strong enough to make me go woof and rub my ribs. And of course the 2 little ones looked completely innocent of all the havoc they had been wrecking on my body and psyche - the 2 rounds of vomiting (1 in a bag while driving to the hospital) after lunch just before the scan. Oh, and to rub salt into the wound, right after being praised for being good babies, I went to the toilet and vomited convulsively all my lunch and more - the kind where tears stream down and u can't catch a breath...where u choke on bits of vomit between heaved and u have to squat before u keel over.

I asked the sonographer for a ultrasound pic of each twin to show my CEB and she said given the size of the twins at this stage, she could not get a whole pic of each twin with the scanner. So we settled for a joined pic of each - the head shot attached to a shot of their bodies. When I mentioned my CEB's wish for a 3D scan, she said those were done usually at week26 and I was too far past that now. She added that for twins, it was esp difficult to get a good pic and echoed the doctor's earlier sentiment that we should save the $300+ to buy milk powder.

At the doctor's appointment an hour later, the doctor confirmed everything was all good and the twins are of average size- not too large or small. Twin A has moved back to a breech position unfortunately but Twin B remains transverse with her legs wedged at my right ribs. He said I would only need to see him 4 weeks later which made me ask him thrice if he was sure given how many weeks are left. He was positive and even called the OT to book a slot for The big day.

So now, my CEB and I have a date and time to meet the little ones which is really quite a bit earlier than we had anticipated! We are into the single digits (and not close to the double digits) when it comes to weeks left!!!!

I am praying with my whole heart that the twins continue to grow, stay healthy and stay safe in me till the appointed date. I can't, I really can't do this pregnancy thing again. The fatigue, vomiting, dizziness, heartburn, aches (at the unmentionables, back etc), inability to eat, enjoy food, friends and life...and then when they are here, the trauma of birth, the sleepless nights filled with crying babies, poo filled diapers, regurgitated milk, bottles, teats, and all the problems that come with breast feeding (engorgement, bleeding nipples etc). I really need the twins to be here normal and healthy at the appointed date. Everything is bought ready for them - they just need to be here safe n sound!

In the meantime, I have got to start washing and packing their stuff, as well as throw or put away heaps of my stuff. All the indulgences during my overseas forays - I wonder when they will see the light of day again, esp my dresses! I am as big as a house now!

Marriage wasn't the life changing experience, wonderful as it may be. Pregnancy and expanding the family, that's really the biggie. Because this means our family is changing. What my parents or my CEB parents have to say about the twins are nothing more than suggestions and opinions. If we disagree, even if my CEB and I end up being wrong, it is OUR prerogative to make a different decision. And my CEB and I have agreed that when we make a decision regarding the twins, we will do so in the best interests of the twins. And based on medical opinions and research, not old wife's tales or outdated views etc.

Truth be told, the responsibility of being a mum (and to 2 at a go!) scares me, esp when they arrive in the world. But these little tenants have been served an eviction notice and their time in me is limited! Look at the size of my belly already! And I hear the growth in the 3rd trimester is exponential - I wonder how I'm going to look by end this month!