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Saturday, November 28, 2015

Sharing an ice cream

Even though it has been one of the worst weeks of my life, the moments of joy and bonding with my twins heal me. 

I don't believe I have been happier despite all the gloom swirling about me, when I shared an ice cream cone with the twins this afternoon at IKEA. I sat on the railing so I was eye level with them and they each took bites out of the cone, And then tried to lick it. Twin A had ice cream smeared all over her mouth literally  and I was glad for once she was willing to at least try something different. Twin B was of course game to lick the ice cream but once again I noticed the difference between the twins that comes naturally - Twin B would share and make sure the giver takes some too while Twin A would only receive like a child would. Twin B has a sense of awareness, of giving, and I love this dear child of mine so much. I look at her black hair and white cheeks and I think, I always think - I know motherhood, I know love because of you. 

She is the child who will lay her head on your shoulder as you carry her, and lay for many moments against your chest as you sit. You could smell her sweet hair, feel her soft skin, breathe the essence of childhood when you hold her. I try to hold twin A too but she struggles so hard to be free - her moments of affection last but a second before she gets restless while with Twin B, she allows you to soak in the moments. Oh how I adore my little girl. She once said to myCEB and I "I make everybody laugh" and it couldn't be more true - she's a little bundle of happiness that makes one's heart sing with joy. The rest of the world falls way when I am with her. 

I don't want to be careful about loving her too much and I don't have to - why should any mother have restrictions placed upon them on how they love a child? Only God knows how much time I have with the twins so I have to make it count. Whether or not they remember, it doesn't matter. It's how they grow day to day, how confident they feel in my love in this large uncertain world that matters.

Do I want another child? Yes, I am struck by baby fever but will I have another child? It is most unlikely. There is too much uncertainty on too many fronts and I cannot make myself go through the whole process again from scratch. I don't want the third child to have any less than what I have given the twins but because of some work changes, I don't think I can. 

I think all the roads i have taken have led me to the twins. If all i was born for, was to have the twins and to provide for them , not just materially but developmentally, I truely am content.