A tablet at the entrance of the Square (or rather, the long walk) explains to those who bother to read, that Langkawi means reddish brown eagle. The tablet also states that the majestic statue is strategically placed to welcome visitors to the island. And I have to agree that the statue really does look rather majestic and makes for a good couple of shots.
However, other than taking various shots of the statue, and avoiding a man soliciting tourists to take pictures with one of the snakes around his neck, there is nothing else to do at Eagle Square. Unless taking in the views of the jetty and sea counts (see pic below).
Nonetheless, if one has a spare bit of time in Langkawi and is at the Kuah Town area in a rented car, I would say that Eagle Square is worth a visit at least for some photos. (I especially like the shot of the Eagle Statue I took below heh) The Kuah Ferry Terminal is within walking distance from Eagle Square and there are several shops at Jetty Point (like Watsons, Guardian etc).
There is also a garden, called Lagenda Park on the other side of the statue...according to a similar looking tablet, this is a 20hectare landscaped theme park which stretches from the jetty to Kuah Town. The weather had gotten rather hot and I am not into horticulture so we gave that a miss.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day 3 at Langkawi on 5 November 2010 (Eagle Square at Langkawi)
Day 3 in Langkawi on 5 November 2010 (Temurun Waterfall)
So we decided to make a stop at Temurun Waterfalls. Temurun Waterfalls is allegedly (that is what 1 of the signboards there says but I'm not too sure about the truth of that) the highest man-made waterfall in Asia and is located along the road to the Datai, about a 15min drive from Taman Buaya in the direction of the Datai Bay.
There is a relatively small parking area (for about 5 cars max) near the entrance to the waterfall but one would do well to keep the doors of one's cars securely locked, and the windows wound tightly because of the fearless monkeys around! If one minds having monkey prints over one's windscreen or having to shoo a bold monkey off one's car, then it is worth the trouble of parking on the opposite side of the road instead (near the wooden hut in the pic below).
As I said, there are loads of monkeys at the Datai Area. Within mins of walking along the trail to the waterfall, we were treated to a display of monkey business per the pic below.
There were various signboards in English around the attraction, like the one below. 1 of them claimed that the water had healing properties...but this is strongly doubt given the lack of pp queuing to bathe in or take home bottles of water from the falls.
One must be warned that the path up to the waterfall can be treacherous and one would do well to hold tight to the handrails. The steps are uneven, high and haphazardly placed. It is certainly not advisable for the very young, very old or those carrying infants to navigate the steps up the the highest point which is where the yellow hut is in the pic below. And there is even less reason for one to climb those steps if one is into taking photos because the magnificence of the watefall is best viewed from its base as per my pic taken below.
There were surprisingly few tourists at the waterfalls - only one group of 3 actually who had a local friend so I would think this attraction is one of those that should only be visited if one has absolutely nothing else to do in Langkawi.
Day 2 in Langkawi on 4 November 2010 (Nasi Haji Kandar and Wonderland Seafood Restaurant)
As I'd forgotten the location of the restaurant, we stopped to ask for directions at the petrol station at Kuah Town. The pump attendant didn't know where it was but a very friendly Malay chappie on a spanking new BMW motorbike did, and also suggested that we try out the nasi kandar at this Malay coffeeshop nearby called Nasi Haji Kandar. The coffeeshop is easy enough to spot, being near the traffic junction and having a prominent signboard. The Slog Reviews: 8/10. Maybe we were starving, but in any case, my CEB proclaimed that this was one of the best nasi kandars he ever had. I thought it was pretty good grub BUT I thought that RM16 for our meal (see below) and a diet coke was a bit of a rip off - that's almost SG price or more like, tourist price. It's hard to conceive the locals having to pay that amount for such a simple meal. In any case, the coffeeshop was pretty packed, even at 4pm in the evening.
Now, I wish to set the record straight about Wonderland at Langkawi, even if the rest of the world may disagree. Wonderland sucks big time. It doesn't deserve the reputation that it has the least. I'm not talking about the service which was just slightly below mediocre, but about the entire experience there. The Slog Reviews: 3/10. Go spend your money at GLK which is just next door. Y?
We were the second group of customers at Wonderland (about 6pm) and although there were some staff standing around, none made the effort to show us to a table or make us feel welcome. So we took an empty table under the fan, waited a good ten mins for the lone server who was taking the orders from the first group to come over, and well, waited some more because she never came over to give us the menus after she was done with the first group. I had to get up, go the kitchen (where the rest of the staff who were equally customer-oriented NOT ignored me) and ask her to switch on the fan and give us the menus. As I didn't want any spit or dirt in my food, my tone was polite (despite my first negative impression of the place) and she came over in a bit with the menu, quite apologetic about the delay.
As I do not eat oyster or squid, our seafood options were limited to fish, prawns, crabs and clams. And being a fisherman, I'm pretty adverse to having pay for fish that has been dead for a while since my own catch is always fresh and tastiest heh. (Wonderland does not have ANY fresh seafood at all - no tanks of lively prawns/fishes or struggling bound-up crabs). So we asked for crabs and were told they only had soft shell crab. Eeks. I asked if I could order crabs from GLK to bring over and the server was okay with that but sadly, GLK was out of crabs too. Crap. So we ordered lala and were told that they didn't have any of that either. So it was down to just prawns and fish. My CEB ordered assam prawns at the server's recommendation and kangkong per the pic below. The Slog Reviews: 5/10. Both veg and prawns were disappointingly mediocre and bland. The assam prawns tasted nothing like the ones I always have at this restaurant in Muar (click here), being cooked in a thick soy like sauce. Eeks.
My CEB also ordered a red snapper. The Slog Reviews: 5/10. We had the fish steamed per the server's recommendation and the result = a waste of a good fish. The meat was tender and fresh (as fresh can be for a fish dead and kept in a freezer) but the cooking was so bad that there was hardly enough gravy to go over the flesh and sauce was not absorbed by the fish meat. Disappointing.
And so, that's our RM60 first and last time experience at Wonderland food store at Langkawi. If you want good FRESH seafood in Langkawi that doesn't include oysters and squid, this restaurant is definitely not the place to go to.Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Day 2 in Langkawi on 4 November 2010 - (Oriental Village, Langkawi Cable Car and The Datai Resort)
In the cupboard near the left of the windows is the mini-bar and in the cupboard near the right is the safe. We had a rainforest view and were advised by the staff to keep the windows shut at all times so that the monkeys in the rainforest would not be able to get into the room and wreck havoc! The balcony outside the windows was clean but the thought of monkeys and mosquitoes quite detered me from sitting there to enjoy the sounds and sight of the rainforest. The toilet was extremely spacious with a rain shower area, a WC area and a large bathtub. Separate sinks for him and her, as well as separate wardrobes behind each sink. Very nice! What I liked more than anything else though about The Datai (including the complimentary juices and soft drinks available in the mini bar) was the quality of toiletries provided - Molton Brown shampoo, condition, bath gel and body lotion! We went for a stroll at The Datai's private (stretch of) beach and I have to say that the hotel puts a great deal of effort keeping its beach clean! No litter at all, and lots of beach chairs strategically placed for one to enjoy a view of the ocean/hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the beach. The children/family pool is located at the beach level and seems rather basic and unimpressive for a hotel like The Datai (see pic below) - I would have expected at least a waterslide. Maybe The Datai's target crowd isn't families with young kids. One can either call for a buggy at the lobby to take one to the beach or walk the 10min way down several flight of stairs (not recommended for the elderly and weak) and through the rain-forest. The same options apply for getting back to the hotel. For us, we took the buggy to the beach as it was still drizzling and walked back up the path to the hotel. The walk took us through the rainforest and past some of the villas, the Datai's spa and a little creek. Thankfully we didn't spot any monkeys (the Datai area seems to be teaming with them). The Slog Reviews of The Datai: 9.5/10 for luxury and comfort but 5/10 for location esp if one is into visiting attractions and popular restaurants. Definitely rent a car from the airport or even town, if one is going to stay at the Datai given its location and exorbitant car rental prices (RM280 for a 24hr rental of a Myvi from the hotel). As for internet connection, there is free wifi throughout the hotel but the signal at our room was really weak and we kept geting disconnected. The American buffet breakfast for one person at The Datai is RM96++ and so we decided to put our rental car to good use and have our daily breakfast at The Loaf instead. The Loaf which opens at 8am daily has a breakfast menu and a breakfast set is approximately RM30+ per pax. However, one also has the option of selecting the bread items that one wants from the wide spread available. And that is what we did. The friendly staff at The Loaf who recognised us from last night's dinner, cut the various pieces of bread nicely and served them on a plate to us. My CEB was aghast though that all that bread cost RM30 but well, as I said in my earlier entry, at The Loaf, one pays a price for the ambiance and service.
Day 1 in Langkawi on 3 November 2010 (Penang Airport, flying in from Penang, Car Rental and The Loaf)
At Langkawi airport, we headed for the car rental counter which I'd used the last time. The idea was to rent the Mitsubishi Colt again at RM 90 per day for 2 and a 1/2 days (RM225) but we were told that it had already been rented out. Also, they claimed that this was the high season because of the public holiday (Deepavali) and tried to charge us an arm and leg (RM180 per day for a vios). After some hard bargaining (well, bargaining as best as I could in my elementary Malay hah!), we got to drive away a less than one year old Nissan Latio at RM300. What irked me though was that the petrol tank was almost empty and our first stop had to be a petrol kiosk. After filling up, we went for dinner at The Loaf (see my previous entry here) as we were in a rather celebratory mood (the 3rd of Nov (or thereabouts) marks our 4th month together). My CEB was in the mood for beef and he ordered the medium rare beef flank (RM52):
The Slog Reviews: 7/10. My CEB who loves his beef raw enjoyed the meal thoroughly. He said it reminded him of the beef he had in France regularly when he was there for work. However, I who like my beef medium-welldone felt that the beef was far too raw and rubbery for my liking. So I guess whether one feels the RM55 for the dish above is well spent would be highly dependent on how one likes one's beef. Oh, and the two buns on the plate are the complimentary starters (bread) that The Loaf serves.
As for myself, I ordered what I had the last time - the smoked salmon twist (RM34) in soy sauce. I'd reviewed it as 9/10 before and the dish this time round didn't disappoint in terms of presentation or taste.
We also ordered a couple of cheesecakes from the considerable variety available for our dessert. The Slog Reviews: 7/10. The cheesecakes are too sweet and even the nutty one tastes like rock sugar instead of nuts. Only for those who love sinfully rich cakes.
My CEB who was seeing The Loaf through a fresh pair of eyes liked the place considerably for its ambiance. There is of course, a price to pay for the ambiance but I would recommend the restaurant if one is looking to have a nice dinner in Langkawi. Not a perfectly romantic place but decent enough if one is with a date. There is a selection of wine available at the restaurant and the service staff are courteous and able to communicate fluently in English. There are many other restarants located at Telega Harbor at Pantai Kok but all of them appeared to be bereth of guests as opposed to The Loaf. So if one has just time for one dinner at Telega Harbor, and one wants to be safe than sorry, this is the place to eat. Click here for the full menu.
Death Mask by Graham Masterton
The Slog Reviews: 9/10. Death Mask is about a woman who is sodemised against her will with a vodka bottle by a man who takes a fancy to her at a conference. The man who appears to be remoseless about what he has done to her, sends her flowers every week with a note referring to what he had done to her. One day, she kills him by slashing him to death in an elevator with a knife and then sticks the knife into the gap between the elevator doors so as to inflict deep slash wounds on herself. She tells the police that a red faced man with slits for eyes was the assailant and the police engage a sketch artist to draw a pic of the so called assailant based on the description. Little do they know that the sketch artist is experiening a phenomenon where things she draws come to life because of a ring by Van Gogh hung on a necklace around her neck that she bought from some flea market. So when she draws the picture of the assailant, the picture does come to life, borne of the spirit of the sodomised woman's vengeance and commits mass murder of men, women and children all around the city using two choppers. The sketch artist eventually manages to put an end to this unnatural creature by drawing (and therefore bringing to life) a picture of her late father in law who was a superb detective. A horror novel that is a good bedtime read.
Day 3 at Langkawi - Before the flight back to Penang - thots on the blackberry
This time I am writing here using my sony ericsson w950 webbrowser function because his netbook has run out of power. And unlike in Bangkok where entering an entry was a breeze because I had been using this phone exclusively, I am having problems with the cursor button and keypad functions because of my recent intensive use of the blackberry. Speaking of which my CEB has mentioned more than a couple of times during the past couple of days tt he is going to ask my boss to take the blackberry back because I am giving it more attention than him. Ok I kinda made tt last bit up but I think tt tt is the real reason, and not as he claims, tt he does not want to see me working on a holiday.
That being said I have to admit tt carrying around 3 mobile devices this holiday has been quite a hassle but I can't load my blog/ blogger or take nice pics on my blackberry and I can't access my office email through my sony ericsson. The other phone, a nokia is used for the prepaid sim card which is an infinitely cheaper option to msg or make calls with when in Msia/Thailand.
I suppose for future holidays what I could do is to divert all incoming calls and sms to the blackberry since under the plan the co bought, all incoming calls are free. And then I'll use the prepaid sim card on the sony ericsson to call/msg back. This would mean just carrying 2 phones like I do now in SG. Okay, now that I've typed this out and sorted out the arrangement I feel more at ease.
Time to start packing for the flight back to Penang.
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Lure Fishing at Boon Mar and Bait Fishing at BSR (again)
The next 4-5 cast netted nothing and the wind was blowing rather strongly which meant that the lure did not land where I had aimed. So I changed to a heavier lure, also a surface one with the all too familiar red and white body. Cast, retrieve, cast retrieve, and then TUG! Next fish on put up a bit more fight but given its size, it was no match against The Slog or rather, a 3olb leader hehe. Pic below of the second Kim. Because I knew that the pond was full of nothing but Barras (Kims), the only one variable which I could play with (without changing line poundage or reel) was the type of lure I used. So I decided to change lure every two barras. After the third barra on the red and white surface action lure, I changed to a green diving action lure with slow motion retrieve. I didn't have much faith in this lure at first but green is my favourite (and lucky) color so I figured why not. And it turned out that I never changed any more lures after using this one. I landed the second biggest Kim of this trip on the first cast. And then it was Kim and more Kim. It got to the point where I didn't mind failing to land two kims becaused they had tossed the hook. Kims put up a pretty good fight when snagged...that is what makes barras good fighting fishes. Unlike Pacus which jerk and try to break the line, groupers which dart down to make for its holes, and stupid catfishes which make long runs (for structures etc), Kims actually surface from the water shaking their entire body to dislodge the hook from their mouths. However, even if one failed to set the hook properly (which I have never forgotten to do since I lost that fishing competition in KK last year), a greedy Kim which takes the entire lure like this one below, is a goner. Talk about deep throat.
Anyway, between 9am to 11.30am, I landed 12 Kims, lost about 4 and got pretty bored/tired of fishing Kims. Variety is really the spice of life. Pic below shows the final and largest Kim I caught at Boon Mar estimated to be about 4-5Kg. Oh yes, one more important thing about going to Boon Mar - wear covered sandals. See my sandals above? Those are NOT good for going to Boon Mar with. I got at least 4 huge insect bites, 2 of which caused my right big toe to swell up and make walking difficult. After I sprayed insect repellant, I still got 3 huge mosquito bites. I don't know how true it is that certain blood types are more prone to mosquito bites but it seems that I get more bites that my CEB every time, and this time, more than my mum too!Blackberry Bold 9700 Smartphone
Having a smartphone with unlimited data usage along with a company line would have come in really useful last year when I was shuttling between China,HKG and SG for the China project, and also working insane hours at times. I remember having to borrow my colleagues' blackberry(s) to make urgent phone calls back to my boss most of the time. That, or present my private phone bill to be reimbursed, both of which was a inconvenience and hassle. Not to mention having to check my work mail from home most nights just to be ready for the next day. However, I assumed that I wasn't given a phone or company line last year (despite the promotion in July then) because of my level (even legal counsels have grades/ranks in a company) - afterall, my colleagues on the project were all deputy directors at least (hence, the entitlement to a phone).
So when I got the phone yesterday I assumed it was due to the promotion this year to my current grade but when I tried to add some colleagues of the same grade, I could not find them. A call confirmed that the grade/rank isn't what determines whether one is given a smart phone, company line and data plan.
This can only mean one thing. Put together with all the other nuggets of information/hints dropped along the way, I am pretty sure of it. And this holiday-filled, happy-go-where-I-please life of mine looks like it may well come to an end. Oh well, Merci Boss (if you are reading this) - you have my word (now written even!) that I am your woman to the end. Nothing but my 110% for the projects we are going to do together!
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Cell (2000) movie
The Slog Reviews: 8.5/10. I absolutely loved this movie - the stunning visual effects are will etch themselves in your memory for some time to come, esp the 1 of which showed a horse being bisected vertically into many sections. The plot is about the exploration of the mind of a twisted serial killer, where he is both the evil king and an innocent abused young boy in his mind's realm. If you have watched the movie silent hill, the surrealism of this movie is comparable. And oh yes, the make up for lopez was incredible. The way her face was made up when she was playing different roles made her look like two diff pp. Esp when she played the evil persona. A good movie all in all
1 of the best hairstylist /hairdreser in Bangkok
Although he has a website, all the info there is highly inaccurate save for his contact number(s). Neang is highly mobile and when I sms-ed him this trip to confirm the appointment, he had moved from Cut and Curl (where he was last Nov) to Salon & Spa at Ruem Rudee Road (near Conrad Hotel).
Be warned though that you need to pay the price if you want the Monkey (and not peanuts), and Neang not only does not come cheap,but he also doesn't lower the price he quotes. He might throw in a free trim (not a haircut) and that's about all. The prices in short, are comparable, if not at best 10% cheaper than that of Monsoons in Singapore.
However, if one is in Bangkok and in need of some hair therapy, do look for Neang. His ability to converse in English, suggest haircuts and do a most satisfactory job of one's crowning glory/mane more than justify his fees.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Jonah Hex (2010) Movie
I managed to complete at least 67% of the movie on my own before the netbook's battery went flat and the movie was good enough that after we got back from dinner, I asked to borrow the netbook to watch the ending. However, my CEB fell asleep (yes, yet again!!!!) and his deep, regular breathing against my shoulder made watching the movie to the end a struggle. But I am glad I did because who doesn't like to see the good guys triumph, an occurence which sadly doesn't happen very often in real life.
The Slog Reviews: 7/10. I can't do any better than the summary written on Wikipedia on this movie. The movie isn't a must-watch, the movie isn't outstanding but it is enjoyable as an action film and one gets to feast one's eyes on the delectable Megan Fox. And as I said, the good guys win in the end and save the world. What's there to hate about the movie? :)
The Last AirBender (2010)
The Slog Reviews: 6/10. The movie is obviously part of a series, given its ending but I wouldn't be in too quick a hurry to catch the sequels if those are anything like this movie. The actors and actresses are mostly unknowns (actresses and actors) and there is nothing novel or deep about the storyline or plot. While the graphics may be mildly interesting, one can enjoy the graphics on a TV screen just as well.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Hotel Courtyard@heeren
The last 2 times I've been to Melaka the past 2 years, I stayed at Hotel Equatorial and Majestic Hotel. I was so impressed by Majestic Hotel that I went to look it up on TripAdvisor. And it was ranked #2 of all the hotels in Melaka. So that got me curious about the #1 hotel, Courtyard @ Heeren. My CEB was quite agreeable to spend a weekend in Melaka to find out so I proceeded to make the booking for the hotel which was, quite a hassle because I didn't want to give the hotel my credit card's confi details and therefore had to open a paypal account to pay the deposit. However, that being said, I must commend Amar from the hotel for his prompt and helpful email replies throughout the reservation process. The hotel apparently, only allows reservations through its website.
Above is a pic of the front porch of the hotel which is situated along Tan Cheng Lock Road. We used the GPS to get to the road but once there, we had to slow to a crawl so as to be able to find the hotel which is one of the many joined shophouses on the left side of the one-way road. When we found the hotel, we thought we could park at the parallel parking lot in front of the hotel but one of their staff got into the car and directed us to the parking area behind the hotel. If we had just turned left earlier along Tan Cheng Lock Road (at the place with a signboard that says parking area) instead of driving all the way to the front of the hotel, we would have been able to find the parking area ourselves. I guess this is something that the hotel needs to mention to guests who are driving there.
The lobby of the hotel, as seen from the pic above is very diff from any other hotel's lobby I've seen. Guests are served with drinks upon registration at the front desk. As we were early, (12.30pm), we asked if we could check into the room earlier but were told that the room wasn't ready. So we walked to Nancy's Kitchen which is just a stone's throw away from the hotel and had lunch there first. :) The pic below shows the central courtyard at the hotel which seems to be a really peaceful place to have a game of chess or meditate.
Based on the feedback I'd read on TripAdvisor, I specifically requested for a deluxe room on the 2nd floor of the hotel. Apparently it can get quite noisy on the first floor. There are no lifts in the hotel (which has only a first and second floor) but the stairwell and the corridors smelt of lemongrass which was rather pleasant and showed the thought put by the mangement of the hotel. Below is a pic of the room we were given...we peaked into other rooms along the corridor which had their doors opened and it seems that the decor varies from room to room. Ours is quite clearly, bamboo-themed.
A heating flask was provided on the dresser per the pic below but other than that, there were no other in-room facilities like a mini-fridge/bar or a safe.
I didn't really like the design of the bathroom but my CEB thought it was just great. The sliding doors and the bamboos concept = an utter lack of privacy and that, is not always a good thing. My CEB was most miffed at being banished to the lobby everytime I wanted to use the bathroom. Oh, and there is also no lock at all to the bathroom for some strange reason.
The last pic below is of the other end of the bathroom area. The standing shower (there is no bathtub) is built with a glass ceiling and I didn't really like that either but privacy is assured (unless from within the room).
Fair Fighting Rules for Couples by Nathan Cobb, Ph.D
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #1: NO DEGRADING LANGUAGE
Avoid name-calling, insults, put-downs or swearing. Putting your partner down or criticizing your partner’s character shows disrespect for his or her dignity. In sports there are many rules that prevent one player from intentionally injuring another. In marriage and relationships, similar rules must apply. When you intentionally injure your partner, it’s like saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself or to win.”
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #2: NO BLAMING
It’s pointless to blame each other. Blaming your spouse distracts you from solving the problem at hand. It invites your spouse to be defensive and it escalates the argument.For example, if you leave a visa bill lying on the table for your spouse to see, and the bill later goes missing, you might be tempted to blame each other. You might insist that your spouse is disorganized, must have picked it up and put it somewhere else. Your spouse, in turn, might accuse you of being absent-minded and insist that you just don't remember where you put it. But blaming each other will not accomplish anything. It won't help either of you feel any better. It won't strengthen your relationship at all. And it won't help you find the bill.
In situations like this, make a conscious decision that your relationship is too important to undermine it with blame and judgment. Focus on keeping your goodwill for each other intact and finding solutions to the problem instead of blaming.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #3: NO YELLING
Yelling only escalates things. Chances are nothing will get resolved when your emotions are running so high. If you’re mad and feel like yelling, then it’s time to step away and cool down (see rule #8).Keep in mind that yelling can be subjective. What is yelling to your spouse may not be yelling to you. Perhaps you are not tuned in to how you sound. Or you may have grown up in a home where family members were loud and passionate, and talking loud when you are upset seems normal.Your spouse's experience is the one that counts here, however. If it feels like yelling to your spouse, then you are at least raising your voice, if not yelling. Make a conscious effort to lower your voice. The meaning of your communication lies in how your message is actually landing with others. If you can’t tone it down because you are too upset, then it is probably best to take a time-out.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #4: NO USE OF FORCE
Using physical force or threatening to use force (i.e. a raised fist or a verbal threat) in any way is unacceptable. Develop the self-discipline to set limits on your anger and your behavior before you reach this level. If either of you resort to physical force and violence in your relationship, seek professional help.Use of force includes pushing, shoving, grabbing, hitting, punching, slapping or restraining. It includes punching a hole in a wall, throwing things or breaking something in anger. Acting out your anger in these ways violates the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Each of us has a right to be safe and free of abuse or physical danger in our relationships.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #5: NO TALK OF DIVORCE
In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #6: DEFINE YOURSELF, NOT YOUR SPOUSE
This rule is about being the expert of your own world, not your spouse’s world. Use words that describe how you feel, and what you want and need, not what your partner feels, wants, or believes. It may seem easier to analyze your partner than to analyze yourself, but interpreting your partner’s thoughts, feelings and motives will distract you from identifying your own underlying issues, and will likely invite defensiveness from your spouse. More importantly, telling your spouse what he or she thinks or believes or wants is controlling and presumptuous. It is saying that you know your spouse’s inner world better than your spouse does.
Instead, work on identifying your own unmet needs, feelings, and ways of thinking and describe these needs and feelings to your spouse.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #6: STAY IN THE PRESENT
Stay in the present and resist the temptation to use the situation as an occasion to bring up other issues from the past. It’s discouraging to keep bringing up the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change today. You can look forward to a better future. Try to keep your focus on what can be done today to resolve the issue at hand and go forward from there. If you get off-topic, on to other issues, stop yourselves and agree to get back on track. You can always come back to other issues later.If you do find yourself bringing up issues from the past it is likely because those issues were never resolved in the first place. Things may have happened that you and your spouse never really talked about. Or you may have tried to talk about it in the past but without fighting fair. This rule will be easier to follow, going forward, if you both make a commitment to discuss issues as they happen rather than letting them fester.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #7: TAKE TURNS SPEAKING
Let one person speak at a time. When one speaks, the other should be listening—really listening, not just planning their rebuttal. Take turns speaking and listening so that you both have a chance to say what you need. This goes back to the rules we were taught as kids about respectful playground behavior. Have you ever tried to work through a difficult issue when your spouse was talking over top of you and interrupting you? How did you feel? Consciously remind yourself about this when you feel an overwhelming urge to interrupt or speak your mind.
FAIR FIGHTING RULE #8: WHEN NECESSARY, USE TIME-OUTS
Violating these fair fighting rules is typically a sign that you have already crossed a threshold physiologically, in which signals from the more primitive, emotional centers of your brain have begun to drown out the signals from the more rational parts of your brain. Stress hormones flood your body at this stage. Self-preservation becomes the focus. In this fight-or-flight state, creative problem-solving and mutual cooperation are unlikely. You end up in an escalating argument that becomes more and more hostile and defensive. In fact, it is impossible to have a rational discussion in a climate of hostility and disrespect. This is when its time for rule #8: call a time-out. A time-out is a short break to cool off, calm down and get perspective. Think of it like pushing the pause button on a video. It’s an opportunity to restore calm and be more reflective instead of reactive. Use the time-out to reflect on why you feel the way you do. Think about how to express yourself in a positive way. Try to think about the other person’s feelings and point of view. Think things through before you speak. Then “push play” again and return to each other to resolve the issues calmly.A time-out should be at least a half-hour long (but no longer than twenty-four hours). It takes at least a half-hour for your body’s physiology to return to a normal resting state and for your thoughts to become less hostile or defensive. It’s surprising how different a person’s outlook can be after they’ve had a chance to calm down.